


Doubts

by loosegoose



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke isn't really a thing in this, Clexa, Ew, F/F, G!p Lexa, Girl Penis Lexa, friends before relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2018-09-20 09:19:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9484697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosegoose/pseuds/loosegoose
Summary: Lexa doesn't have a lot of things going for her aside for her relationship with Clarke.  As that crumbles, she tries to build herself back up with the help of Raven.





	1. Insomnia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CorvusCorvidae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CorvusCorvidae/gifts).



> I love Raven/Lexa so I decided to write some in honor of my fave "Potential" by CorvusCorvidae. Because this fic got me started into loving the pairing.

It was always hard to get up from her bed. Even when insomnia kicked in, she wouldn’t move from her silky heaven. She’d rather drown in her own thoughts from the comfort of her very large king-sized mattress than rise to get herself a glass of water. It was like her body was glued to the sheets. If she tried to rise, even an inch, she’d find herself even more enveloped in the warmth of her own purgatory.

“I have to be up by 8 tomorrow” Lexa tried to reason with herself, but getting up early to make it to a job that underpaid her was enough reason to tie herself to the bed and never leave her room again. She wasn’t earning minimum wage, but she wasn’t making enough money for all the work she did. Enough to cover her and Clarke’s monthly expenses, yes. But that was easy considering that they weren’t living a lavish life. Not by her own volition, anyways.

The mattress and living room furniture were gifts from Clarke’s mom. Because there was no way in hell Lexa could afford what Clarke said was a thousand dollar mattress. She was one hundred percent sure that Clarke lied about the price so that Lexa wouldn’t make a big deal out of it and reject the gift. But what took the cake was the gifted furniture. The living room furniture was expensive. Lexa didn’t know much about furniture but the elegant victorian furniture in her living room often made her feel as if she had walked into the wrong house. It stuck out like a sore thumb against the concrete flooring in their apartment and, quite honestly, it was very uncomfortable to watch TV on it. Lexa hated how pretty it looked because it made her average apartment look ugly. Like the fancy pieces didn’t belong.

She buried her face into her pillow, annoyed. Was she really using furniture to express her relationship with Clarke at three in the morning? She adjusted her position for the millionth time in an hour and opened her eyes to an empty bed. Her side still held the indentation of her girlfriend’s body.

Clarke was probably up studying late in her office. Lexa had given up on trying to make Clarke get to bed on time. She simply wouldn't budge. Shame, Clarke’s arms around her always put her to sleep in record time. But hugging Clarke’s pillow would have to do. If she went to sleep right now she would get about five hours of sleep.

She tried to breathe in deeply. Holding her breath for ten seconds and slowly releasing it to trick her brain into believing it was in a relaxed state. Soon enough her body lost all feeling and she was floating.

A loud noise brought her back to her senses like a cold bucket of water. Clarke’s phone, filling the room with the obnoxious chorus of Ed sheeran’s “Thinking out Loud.” The song didn’t seem as beautiful at 3:40am.

She reached for Clarke’s phone grudgingly. Would Clarke really be that upset if she tossed it across the room? Her eyes seemed to be playing a trick on her, she decided, upon looking at Clarke’s phone. There was no way Clarke was getting a phonecall at this time. Even telemarketers had a sense of time. At first she thought it was Clarke’s alarm going off, yet it was in fact a phone call she was getting. At almost 3:40 in the morning. A call, not from a telemarketer but from Bellamy Blake at 3:40am.

“Hello?”

“Hey!” A drunken voice yells on the other side and Lexa pulls her ear away from the loudness. “Look, I need you to shut up and...listen to me. Just listen.”

“Lexa, babe. What are you doing up?” Clarke asks, suddenly making a cameo in their bedroom. Lexa could tell she was out of breath. When Lexa tries to shush her to listen to what Bellamy has to say, Clarke yanks the phone from her hand.

Lexa is left speechless. What the hell did Bellamy have to say that couldn’t wait till tomorrow? A part of her already knows, that part of herself that tells her that Clarke is beautiful. She’s a beautiful piece of victorian furniture that doesn’t belong in a cheap apartment. She doesn’t belong to Lexa. Guys like Bellamy Blake that have something going on with their lives are what Clarke deserves. She stands up to close the door that Clarke left open on her way out and walked herself back to the edge of their bed and just sits there.

There was no way she was getting any sleep tonight. Of that she was sure. Resigned to her fate, Lexa checks her own phone. No notifications. No new emails. No price drop on the japanese chef knife in her amazon cart.

_Maybe I can watch a couple of episodes of scandal to make my night a little worse._

“Sorry.” Clarke whispers, sneaking in behind her quietly. “Bellamy’s an idiot when he’s drunk. I called Octavia to pick him up.”

Lexa doesn’t even try to retort.

“I don’t know how he dialed me instea-”

“Let’s just go to bed, Clarke.” She knows Clarke wants to say something else but she presses their lips together to silence her. And that seems to be enough for Clarke who wraps her arms around her. This time she didn’t fall asleep right away because she felt uncomfortable. As if Clarke’s arm around her was burning her. Clarke’s breath quickly evened out but she was still wide awake.

Yeah, there was no way she was getting any sleep tonight..


	2. Ignored

Lexa picked the wrong day to forget her damn headphones at home. Normally she wouldn’t mind the bus ride to Clarke’s school. It was only about ten minutes long and at noon she would be able to spend her lunch with Clarke in the cafeteria instead of the restaurant where she worked. 

But she had forgotten her headphones. And more than one passenger on the bus with no sense of personal space had tried to have a conversation with her. She made it to the cafeteria in the hospital where Clarke was doing her clinics. The food was horrible but Clarke liked meeting here. 

If she had her headphones, she wouldn’t be so annoyed right now. 

However, she had forgotten her headphones and so now she had to listen to the stupid conversation between the loud girls behind her booth. Lexa unlocked her phone to check the time. 12:21pm. Clarke was late. Even if she appeared right this minute, they would barely have any time left before she had to take the bus back to work. 

“We spend like all the time together when we’re at work and then when we get home we’re always together. It’s like we can never get enough of each other. He’s perfect, Rae. He--” Spoke the loud girl behind her. Lexa turned her head around to give her a rude look but the brunette girl was focused on the conversation. 

“He’s got this amazing body. I’ve heard you a billion gazillion times” her friend replied, her voice changing initially to mock her. Lexa’s chuckle turned into a cough when she realized that she was being too obvious at her eavesdropping. 

“I know but I can never get tired of looking at him.” she continued. “You don’t understand, I can’t stop thinking about him. And it goes both ways, the little times we’re not together we are always texting.” Lexa nearly rolled her eyes right out of her socket. 

Bullshit. 

Surely a normal couple wouldn’t be all over each other all the time. Sooner or later that shit gets tiring. For instance, she and Clarke have been together for over six years and sure they could barely keep their hands off each other for more than a couple hours during the first couple of years. But that because of puberty.

Nevertheless,her relationship with Clarke, like everything else in her life that had once excited her and made her blood rush, had simmered down with time. That was normal. She hoped that the girl behind her enjoys her honeymoon period while it lasts. 

She and Clarke were definitely past that part of their relationship. It’s not like she wasn’t attracted to Clarke. Hell, even if the other girl often claimed had gained some weight in the last year, she desired Clarke. That wasn’t the problem the sole problem with her sex life was the infrequency. 

She understood that she and Clarke were no longer horny teenagers. Lexa for sure understood that Clarke was reaching the end of her third year in medical school so her free time was mostly spent studying. Mainly fussing over books in their small home office about the fucking Krebs cycle or whatever shit Lexa was probably too dense to understand. She knows she should be more understanding. Clarke was trying to save lives after all but it was hard. Would she really have to delay her gratification indefinitely?

It had almost been an entire month since that last time she had sex with Clarke. That night was their anniversary and Lexa had made Clarke dinner. Lexa had gone all out on the recipe (it’s not like she had anything else to do that day anyway). She had made salmon en croute which was basically a salmon on top of spinach and cream cheese mixture covered in puff pastry and baked to perfection for half an hour. It was served with a side of sauteed potatoes and lemon butter sauce. Paired off with a bottle of Clarke’s favorite wine; the 2011 Buoncristiani Chardonnay.

They had exchanged gifts before, of course, but that smile Clarke gave her when took a sip of the same wine she and Lexa had stolen from her dad’s wine cellar was her favorite gift of the night.

Well, maybe her second favorite.

They had barely finished their first glass before Clarke had gotten on her knees. Barely able to make it to their room, they made love on the sofa. Clarke on top touching her all over and leaving her breathless. After the second round, she pulled her girlfriend on top of her, pleased to smell Clarke’s scent. So sweet, earthy and clean even after their lovemaking.

Even then, she had cut the cuddling session short, put a robe on and spent the rest of the night studying in her office. So, no. Normal couples don’t have time to be all over each other all the time. It was simply impossible and unhealthy even. 

“I’m sorry for taking so long. My first patient was late and everything got pushed back.” She heard her voice but it was only when Clarke leaned into the booth and kisses her briefly that she’s fully engaged. “I'm starving, what did you bring me?” The older girl claps her hand in an excitement that doesn’t reach her eyes. Although Clarke’s makeup is nearly perfect, Lexa can see the circles under her eyes. She wishes Clarke didn’t have to stay up so late.

“You’re quite energetic today.” 

“This is my third cup of coffee today.” Clarke brings her hand up, silencing Lexa before she even starts. “I know, I should lay off it for a bit but I didn’t sleep well last night and I feel like the walking dead” She makes a feeble attempt at a joke. Lexa must not be in the best of moods, Clarke notes and reaches for the takeout box labeled ‘Marggiano’s’. “Did you already eat?” 

“I got here 22 minutes ago. I got a little hungry.” She thinks Clarke will make a retort, apologize or just anything. Instead the other girl is preoccupied with her phone unaware of what she said. She wanted to say she was annoyed but honestly she was used to it by now. Plus, it’s not like she did it on purpose. The blonde had a lot going on and it bled into her personal life. 

At times she envied Clarke for having a personal life outside work and their relationship. On the other hand, all Lexa did was work and think about Clarke. She had no goals worth pursuing. Things never worked in her favor anyway. The proof being her wasted years getting a bachelor’s in psychology. Her diploma was collecting dust somewhere in Clarke’s office. The only thing she had going for her was Clarke and at the moment she was more in love with her iPhone than anything else. 

“Sorry, Bellamy sent me something funny.” Clarke mumbles while shoving the eggplant parmesan. She was clearly in a hurry. “This is delicious, by the way.” 

“Ah, Bellamy. How is his hangover by the way?” At the mention of his name Clarke chokes on her food and takes a sip of her coffee to swallow. “Did you want to slow down a little? We still have about ten minutes--”

“I actually have to be back in three.”

“Clarke” She starts.

“I know. I’m sorry we barely saw each other today. I’ve just been swamped and...now you’re pouting.”

“I’m not pouting, Clarke.” She says in a more serious tone that she intended. “I understand.”

“I know, and I love you for that.” When Clarke reached for her hand she wondered if such a simple gesture felt so comforting before. The fact that any simple touch coming from Clarke was enough to cause her to jolt was either endearing or just plain sad. She would decide later. 

She would have enough time for reflection on the bus. 

12:25 pm

If she started walking right now, she could catch an earlier bus. That way her boss, Anya, could not nag about her being late. 

“I should get going. I’ll see you at six correct?”

“Actually, I was thinking I could just pick you up from work. If you can wait for me until like 6:30, we can go home together.” This time it is lexa who leans over to Clarke and kisses her earnestly. 

“I would love that. I’ll see you at 6:30.”

The drive home was about half an hour. She could surely convince Clarke to take the night off and make some dinner together by then. Perhaps they could have a nice bubble bath afterwards and just relax in front of the tv. They surely needed it. 

Lexa makes her way to the bus stop in record time. Not only because she is very close to missing the bus but because she is so fucking eager for the rest of her day to go through quickly. If she focuses on doing her job and avoiding pointless conversations with her coworkers, it would be no time before she was able to relax in her apartment. 

___

So the rest of her day doesn’t pass as quickly as she wants. Margianno’s was always crowded no matter the time. And even though she was only a sous chef, she was kept occupied from the moment she stepped back in the kitchen til she removed her hair net. 

Too busy. 

And she wasn’t even the head Chef. Titus, was the one in charge but he spent so much time yelling at the other assistants in the kitchen that Lexa was often in command. Titus was alright with this because he taught Lexa all she knew about cooking. He often said that everything he could do she could do just as well or better. Not that it mattered, she hadn’t gotten a raise in years. 

She looks up at the clock. Only three hours left in this hell hole before Clarke would pick her up. Her legs were starting to feel numb and it was like her mind was in another planet. Anywhere but here. 

“Dozing off?” Anya, her control-freak manager asks with a teasing smile. Anya always did this. She beated around the bush making silly and quite frankly annoying remarks that often lead to a scolding. 

“What do you need Anya?” The other girl’s smile falters at Lexa serious tone. She didn't mean to sound so annoyed. She just wanted to get out of there and if Anya started talking to her and giving her extra work, she would stay past 6:30. 

“The girl on table 9 wanted a well done steak. This is medium. Table 2 asked for no mushrooms on her burger and I am still waiting on that duck.” 

“What's the point of eating a steak if it tastes like trash?”

“Hell if I know. But if she wants to overpay for a dry ass piece of meat, who are we to stop her?” Lexa sighed, exasperated. Anya just stood there quiet and Lexa almost forgot she was there until the other girl spoke. “Lexa, do you need a break?” 

“No.” 

“Lexa--” 

“I’m fine, Anya. Thank you for your concern. It’s so very kind. Now, if you don’t mind, can you let me work?” She hands Anya the garbage newly-burnt piece of steak and fakes a smile. Before Anya opens her mouth she starts. “No mushrooms for table 2 and two more minutes on the duck.” 

“Fine, commander. But try not to sulk in your little corner and grumble about how we overwork you. We get enough from that from Titus.” Anya says defeated. Lexa almost feels bad. 

“Hey, I heard that.” Titus yells. He was just yelling at a cook that had messed up a batch of mashed potatoes. 

“I know you did. Now stop biting that poor boy’s head off and help Lexa. She’s in another planet.”

“Why does it matter what planet she is on? She is still the finest cook I have ever--” 

“Dude, I was just--” Great, now Titus was lecturing anya too. How was she supposed to cook in peace if the head chef was lecturing the clueless restaurant manager who spent more time joking than actually getting any work done? 

Jesus, how was it that no one got fired in this damn place? 

After handing the waiters the food, she decided to make the a superhuman attempt to focus all of her energy into the food she was cooking. Yes, she would much rather focus on the seasonal entrees she prided herself in perfecting. Her favorite was the Coq au vin or the chicken in red wine. As a wine enthusiast she enjoyed going down to the wine cellar and picking the best bottle of red wine in the house and pairing it with organic chicken. Whatever organic actually meant in this context, she wasn’t sure. But it was organic. 

Soon enough she forgot her annoyance with her coworkers as the smell of fried pancetta filled the kitchen. She delegated the work of cutting up onions, carrots and mushrooms while she fried the chicken and later added the wine to the sauteed vegetables. After placing the chicken and the rest of the ingredients in the dutch oven, she would have to wait for 45 minutes. Because of the length of time it took to make this meal, customers had to either mention that they would have this when making a reservation or wait. 

She was not surprised at the amount of people that would actually wait the hour or so to eat her Coq au vin. All of the ingredients were fresh. In fact, the chicken was delivered daily from a local farm to ensure it’s freshness. This was never a dish that she handed off to any of her kitchen assistants. Since it was her favorite, she was always the one to make it. She wouldn’t have anyone messing up her recipe. Not even Titus. 

She thought that he and Anya would be done arguing by now but the chaos had only spread to the rest of the cooks. They were trying to stay as far from the discussion as possible, running into each other and knocking food on the floor. Even when she tried to get their attention, it fell on deaf ears. She was often ignored when Titus was in the room. It drove her nuts. 

As a chef who had been cooking since she was about seventeen, it was demeaning to be treated like she had no authority over the kitchen as soon as Titus was here when everyone knew she was a superior cook. Every part of her told her that she should leave. She had been working at Marggiano’s for over four years. But, she would never be able to get another job, her people skills ranged from resting bitch face to, well, being an actual bitch. 

Even if she landed another job, she would have to start all over and it would probably pay less. She hadn’t applied yet but she was sure there were no good jobs in her area. If she got one in another area, she would have to get a job far away from her apartment which was difficult with the bust. A car would be a lot better than taking the unreliable bus but she could never afford a car to drive to work. She simply didn’t make enough money to save for a downpayment on a car and pay the rest of the bills. But why worry anyway? She wouldn’t be able to get the job in the first place. Things never worked out in her favor. 

“Are you guys still arguing?” Lexa removes her apron and checks the clock for the time. Clarke should be a couple minutes away but she would rather wait outside than listen to more bickering. 

“I know arguing isn’t your strongest point, Lexa, but I will not stand here and be accused of being a sexist-” Jesus, how the hell did their argument end up in sexism?

“Would you look at the time. Time for me to exit the matrix for a while.” Her coworkers had a joke that no one under the employment of Margianno’s had a personal life and instead lived in the matrix in other words, the restaurant. Whenever any of them left for the day they were just disconnected from the matrix. It was usually a funny joke but right now no one was having it. 

Whatever, she just wanted to leave this hellhole. She made a quick exit without saying any goodbyes. 

The change in temperature hit her like a brick. It was freezing outside, even with her jacket. Yet, she would rather wait for Clarke outside in the quiet. 

A couple of minutes laters she reached for her pocket to dial Clarke and ask how close she was. 

Three unread messages. 

6:29:  
Babe, I am going to have to stay for a longer time. I am going to cover Bellamy for a few hours.  
6:29  
I am sorry  
6:35  
I promise I will make it up to you. ;-)

Lexa reads the messages at least a dozen times. Each time hoping she misread something. She tried to see if there was a possible typo but that wasn’t the case. Clarke really had asked her to wait for her until 6:30 so that she could give her a ride. And then waited until the literal last minute to tell her that she couldn’t make it. 

She spent all her fucking day listening to Anya and Titus bicker, being ignored by her fucking kitchen assistants as if she were inexperienced. She went all through that and she toughed it out because she would have a great night with Clarke but her girlfriend didn’t even have the manners to reject her in a timely fashion. 

She was so furious that she stood there frozen both figuratively and literally for at least twenty minutes. It was that telltale sound that drove her out of her thoughts. She could hear that sound a mile away and still know it was the bus. 

“Shit!” She started a jog towards the bus stop. She still had time to make it if she jogged. It was only when she was halfway to the bus stop when she felt light. Too light. 

As if she was missing something. 

Her wallet. She forgot her wallet. She wasn’t going to miss the bus, she decided. If she sprinted inside, she could still make it to the bus. Lexa pivoted and ran full-speed towards the back entrance of Margianno’s. The door slammed open. Unable to stop herself in time she found herself slipping over some mashed potatoes that had fallen on the floor. As she felt herself falling, she tried to catch herself but she was going too fast and felt a sharp tear from her shoulder and a jab that stole her breath. 

“Oh my god, Lexa!” Anya screams, frantically. Lexa wants to tell her to lower her voice, the customers would hear. Yet, she can’t speak. She can’t move. All she can do is try helplessly to breathe. This was all Bellamy’s fault. 

“Lexa, are you alright?” Titus asks worriedly, he had pushed everyone away to get to her. Dissatisfied with Lexa’s lack of response, he picks her up bridal style. 

“Wait, what are you--where the hell are you taking her?” Anya asks freaking out. 

“I am driving her to the hospital! Where do you think I am taking her?” 

“What? We don't even know what's wrong with-” 

“I’m fine.” Lexa whispers.

“Are you sure, it seems like you hurt your arm pretty badly.” Anya touches her left bicep and Lexa immediately cries out in pain. 

“Ok, I think my shit’s busted?”

“What? Did you defecate?”

“She shit herself?” Titus asks a lot louder than Lexa would have liked. He was now trying to hand her off to Anya who shied away. 

“I didn't shit myself! My shit is busted.” It took almost all her energy to try and yell that out but it probably came out more like a hoarse whisper than a yell. “I fucking broke something.” 

“Did you break something?” She just said that!

“I think so, I can’t feel my arm.” 

“Oh, god. I’m driving you to the hospital immediately.” Anya rushes to find her keys but is interrupted by Titus. 

“The hell you are. She is my responsibility.” With Lexa still in his arms he sprints off outside towards his truck. 

“Ow! Stop running!” The least she needed was for her and Titus to fall on the ground. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” 

Titus tries to reach for his keys out his pockets unsuccessful because Lexa was in his arms. Luckily Anya appears behind them. 

“Where the hell are you going? You can’t leave, Titus. Lexa is busted and you’re the head chef.” He pauses, confused.

“This is a restaurant. We can’t have the head chef and the actual person that does all of the work both gone. I can take her to the hospital.” 

“I am sure the kitchen can handle us being gone for a little while. The restaurant closes in a couple of hours. You’re the manager. I am sure your presence is more important.” Anya tries to argue but Titus is finally is successful in digging the keys from his pocket and opens the door to his truck. 

“Titus, I am serious. I need you here.”

“Ow.” Lexa complains as Titus clumsily sets her in his small prius accidentally bumping her injured arm. 

“Oh, stop being a baby.” He turns to Anya. “I am going to go make sure that one of our employees isn’t hurt. I don’t give a rat’s ass about the restaurant right now.”

“That’s not what I--”

Not even waiting for Anya to finish her sentence, he speedily pulled out of the parking lot. Lexa hears the bang of metal clashing against metal and her heart almost jumps out her chest. 

“Titus, did you hit something?”

He shushes her as if she’d said the most outrageous thing. “You’re in a lot of pain right now. It’s best if you just lay back, you’re obviously imagining things.”

That makes sense because the pain coming from her arm was overwhelming. It was like she couldn’t even think. 

“I think you’re right. I feel like my mind is cloudy.” Her eyelids were getting heavier and it was getting harder to talk. 

“Lexa!” Titus barks at her and shoves her. Nearly hitting her in the injured arm. 

“What?”

“Don’t do that shit to me. Keep your eyes open. I thought you had passed out. You know I don’t work well under stress.” 

“Then why the hell are you driving me to a hospital?” She halfheartedly jokes but of course the joke falls flat and Titus glares at her. Ever since she met Titus he was always the same way. Why was she still surprised with his exaggerated antics? Like losing his mind over any mistakes anyone in the kitchen staff made. Or arguing with Anya over who would take her to the hospital. Or his weird obsession with being her father figure. As sweet as it was, she didn’t have one growing up and she certainly didn’t need one now. 

“Do you think you can pass me your cellphone?” 

“What? Why do you need my cell phone? No, use your own.”

“I think I dropped mine somewhere in the kitchen when I fell. I just need to call Clarke. She’s working tonight.” 

“Working tonight?” She was beginning to think he needed hearing aid. 

“Yeah. She’s covering for one of her coworkers.” Why was Titus being so weird? “Listen, if you don’t want to loan me your cellphone-” 

“Of course I will loan you my cellphone. Why wouldn’t I loan you my phone? This is an emergency.” Titus had reached into his pocket and started fiddling with his phone. Lexa assumed he was exiting out of his internet browser. 

“I’m just going to make a phone call, Titus. You don’t need to erase anything.”

From the rolled down window she heard a car speeding past them right after an obnoxious honk that made Titus drop his phone and yelp. Lexa chuckles from the back seat. 

“What an asshole. Here, let me get that with my one good hand.” Lexa carefully stretches as most she can to reach for the fallen phone without injuring her right hand even more. 

“No, it’s fine. Just leave it!” Titus chose this time to freak out and try to find the phone first. He slapped her arm away and reached his own hand completely neglecting the road. 

“Relax. I am not going to peek-” She had already had let go of her quest to find the phone but of course Titus was still freaking out. 

“Just leave it! Don’t tou-” Titus’ rant was stopped short by a deafening bang. The force of the impact knocked her forward her face colliding with the cushion. Titus calling out her name was the last thing she remembers before her world went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments an kudos. They really make me want to write more.


	3. Genuine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa deals with her injury the only way she knows how.

 

It took the ambulance less than ten minutes to get Titus and Lexa out of the wreck.  The Prius swerved, ran over a stop sign and hit a wall.  Although Lexa was knocked out by the side air bag and Titus banged his head on the dash, they weren’t seriously injured.  But because they were both knocked out, the girl driving behind them decided to call 911 and they were both rushed to the emergency room.  

 

A few hours later both Lexa and Titus were waiting for the doctor to come and dismiss them.  Once again, Lexa tried to get in contact with Clarke but her phone kept on sending her to voicemail.  

 

_ She must have it off  _ Lexa thinks as she sits on the edge of the bed.  Clarke always had her phone off when she was on duty.  Later on she could go to the ladies at the front desk and ask for some help finding her girlfriend.  She just hoped Clarke wouldn’t get too worried when she saw the injury. 

 

“I had porn on my phone.” Titus blurts interrupting her thoughts about Clarke. 

 

“What?”

 

“That’s the reason why I didn’t want to let you see my phone.” It was safe to say that Lexa really didn’t want to have this conversation at all.  She would rather have any other conversation with anyone else rather than talking to Titus about porn of all things. 

 

“So you almost  _ killed  _ us because you had porn on your phone?”  She should have felt angry but the whole reason he was even in the car was to drive her to the hospital in the first place. And the fact that Titus had possibly wrecked his prius due to his porn addiction was a little comical.  

 

“I wish I had.” 

 

“Oh?”  Lexa asks, looking around in the hospital room for cameras.  Was someone playing a prank on her? 

 

“Yeah,” he sighs dejectedly. “I guess now I have to talk to you about my problem with porn.”

 

“You probably don’t.”  She said that more bruskly than she intended and Titus’ face drops. She felt guilty but it didn’t matter if she was being rude, she would not talk to Titus about porn.     

 

“I don’t blame you.  No one wants to hear about it.  Especially you.  I mean how could you understand? You probably never have to because you have a beautiful girlfriend..”

 

“Yeah, well you’re wrong.  Now more than ever.” She was going to do it.  She had to tell someone what was going on with Clarke or she would go mad but perhaps the best person to tell wasn’t Titus.  But she wasn’t necessarily the friendliest person.  Who else could she tell?

 

“I can’t believe I just said that” Titus was it., the person who she could confide in.  They had fallen into a symbiotic relationship.  He got the daughter he never had and she had the parental figure that was missing.  A father.  Still.  This is not something you talk to your pseudo-father about.  So why does she keep digging herself further into this hole?  Why can’t she just shut up?

 

“What?  But you and clarke…”

 

“What about Clarke and I?”

 

“I’m not sure how exactly to ask this but...surely she’s letting you spend  _ intimate  _ time with her.”  

 

Her throat is suddenly dry and she reaches for the cup of water on the table next to her and chugs it. 

 

“Well, she works all of the time.  And she’s tired which is why I understand.” Titus shoots her an unconvinced look.  “Why am I even talking to you about this?”

 

Titus sensed how much talking about this meant to her so he tried to lighten up the mood. “Because you don’t trust anyone else enough to tell them that your girlfriend is not letting you slap that ass like it owes you money.” There was just something amusing about him talking so crudely that makes Lexa snort.

 

“Oh, shut up, you jerk.”  She pushes him playfully.  “I already told you that she just works all the time. I shouldn’t be talking like this because I know what she’s going through.  When she’s not working, she’s studying, beating herself up when she doesn’t feel she does well enough. I know how hard she works and how much this means to her.” 

 

“You should also mean a lot to her.  And having sex is a normal, healthy part of a relationship.  You're not being  _ mean  _ just because you want her.  I mean, no wonder you’ve been acting like a bitch recently.”

 

She hears a giggle and opens the curtain to reveal Abby giggling like a schoolgirl.  How much had she heard?

 

“Please tell me you didn’t hear any of that before I go shoot myself.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Lexa.” Abby has her hand covering her grin as if Lexa can't hear the laughter in her voice.

 

“Fuck.  How could this day get any worse?”  

 

“I didn’t mean to be nosy but…”  Abby honestly tries to find an excuse bit comes up empty-handed. “I just am.”  

 

Well, at least she's honest.  

 

She sheepishly walks over to Lexa’s bed and pats her leg. “I didn’t know things were so bad between you guys.  Do you want me to talk-”

 

“No, Clarke and I are fine.  We don’t need  _ anyone  _ to help us.  Thanks for your concern.”

 

“If things between you and Clarke were fine, you would be having sex, honey.” Abby makes a face at the end of that sentence as if she can’t believe those works were coming out of her mouth.

 

“This is so weird.”  

 

“It’s weirder for me.  This is my daughter we are talking about after all. But I can’t stand here and just watch you be mistreated. I went through medical school and still made time for Jake. Do you need me to talk to her?” Lexa smiles, it’s almost like Abby was Lexa’s mom and not Clarke’s, she cared for her  _ that  _ much.  

 

“And tell her what?   _ Please Clarke, dear daughter of mine, have some sex with Lexa _ . “

 

“I know you’re being sarcastic but that doesn’t actually sound so bad,” Abby deadpanned.

 

“Don’t forget the part about the ass slapping.” She was going to Titus when she had the chance.  

 

Abby sits on the desk and makes some notes to Lexa’s medical record.  “Congratulations on your very first dislocated shoulder by the way.”  She points at Lexa’s sling.  “You’re going to have to wear that sling for about three weeks.  It may take less or more, it’s different for everyone but three weeks is a good estimate.  Do you have any question?”  

 

“No, the PA was pretty thorough.” She just wants to find Clarke and get out of here.    “Actually, do you think you can find Clarke for me.  Her phone’s always off when she’s here so I haven't heard from her in a bit.”

 

“Clarke leaves at 6:30, honey.”  Abby looks at her as if saying  _ You already knew that.  _

 

“Yeah, she  _ usually _ leaves at 6:30 but today she’s covering for Bellamy.  I think he’s out or something.”  It was brief, the look on Abby’s face, but she caught the oh-shit look on her face when Lexa mentions Bellamy and her expression grows more somber, shifting her attention to the ground.  

 

Titus also catches the look and makes a face that makes him look like an unattractive version of Mr. clean.  Words weren’t necessary, Lexa feels like an absolute idiot.  

 

“Why don’t I drive you guys home?”

  
  
  
  


Abby drops her off at her apartment and insists in making sure that she’s comfortable, prying keys out of her hands to unlock the door for her.  She even offered to buy her pizza but Lexa put her foot down, she would not allow that.  Her bank account didn’t have heart-surgeon type of money, but she could afford her own pizza.  

 

Abby insisted. 

 

“Hey, my daughter won’t have sex with you”  She brushes her off while ordering the pizza on her phone.  “The least I can do is get you some pizza.” 

 

Abby had only meant it as a joke and Lexa preferred not to give it much thought. However, she knew that those words would come back and hurt her when she was at her worst.  Feeding her insecurities that were already quite nourished on organic self-hatred and cage-free insults.

 

She hates having to rely on others but when Abby drew her a bath with bubbles everything felt better for a moment.  It took her double the amount of time to take a bath and when she dropped the soap she spent more time finding it than cleaning herself.  But when she comes out the shower and, with the help of Abby, puts on her pajamas the pizza is there.  

 

Abby doesn’t stay for long after eating her unimpressive pizza.  She doesn’t bring up that the crust is too burnt and the sauce is too sweet, she’s already been accused of being a snob before so she’s learned to hold her tongue, especially since it’s free pizza.    Lexa makes her go home by telling her she needed to rest. She wasn’t lying, she really was feeling the effects of today. Getting ignored by her coworkers, clarke canceling at the last minute, her fall and subsequent dislocated shoulder.  Titus telling her about his love for porn.  

 

That one might have been the most traumatizing one if Abby hadn't  confirmed that Clarke had indeed left at 6:30 and that she had lied to her about staying late. Where she actually was, Lexa preferred not to think.   

 

She turned on her TV and resumed an eight-part documentary she started yesterday called “The Romanov.”  Anya had told her a ‘life-hack’ on how to beat insomnia, documentaries.  It couldn’t just be any old documentary, it had to be interesting enough so that watching it didn’t annoy her but the narrator had to have a very soothing voice like Mike Rowe David Attenborough to slowly lull her to a slumber.  It also couldn’t be something that she was very interested in or she would watch the whole thing and the effect would be counterproductive, thus, she had settled on a documentary on a ruling family in Russia. It had put her to sleep yesterday in record time and she was praying for the same result today.  

 

Just when she was lulling to sleep she heard the click of the front door opening and, a couple seconds later, a clattering of glass on the floor and wood crashing against the wall.  She stays glued to her spot already set on pretending to be asleep to avoid talking to Clarke.  Nothing would good could come from a shouting match this late at night.  She was too tired for any of that.    

 

The loud complaints coming from the hallway stopped as soon as clarke turned on the lights in the room and saw that lexa was sleeping.  

 

“Babe?”  Clarke tests in a whisper.  Lexa doesn’t seem to be awake so she pokes her in the stomach, a cheat code learned years ago.  Lexa was very ticklish so she always poked her in the stomach to see if Lexa was really sleeping.  This time, though, she misses and pokes her in the her injured arm.  

 

“Ow!” She cries before she even registers the pain in her arm.  It’s weird how the brain works, sometimes, she remembered Clarke saying something about this being due to the peripheral nervous system, she’s not sure if this is true or if this is all Lexa remembers from a whole night she spent up helping Clarke study when she had just started med school.   

 

“I’m sorry, I was trying to see if you were asleep.”  Her breath hit like Lexa without warning, smelling of alcohol and mint.  As if the mint was supposed to distract from the smell of alcohol.   “Or just pretending.”  She giggled. Her goofy smile and glassy eyes told Lexa that her girlfriend was in  _ fact  _ tipsy.  That, and the way she was rubbing Lexa’s leg. Innocently, as if she didn’t know it was affecting her or perhaps exactly because she knew it was.    

 

Lexa, who was not willing to play this game, grips Clarke’s venturesome hand in place.  “Clarke go take a shower and come to bed, you smell like whiskey.” But Clarke was already trailing sloppy kisses down her neck and making use of her free hand, Lexa’s breath catches in her throat.

 

“You’re so hot when you’re cranky.”  Fuck, Clarke’s voice was soothing enough to send vibrations right down her spine, she felt herself twitch, maybe she was a little more than tipsy.  Lexa was always amazed at how classy a drunk Clarke was.  She almost never lost her balance and spoke eloquently like the classy lady she was so it could be hard to tell sometimes if she was drunk or tipsy. Except for the glaring fact that she was all over Lexa.

 

And Lexa almost doesn’t care, she kisses Clarke.  The taste of alcohol on Clarke’s tongue is demoted in her list of priorities because Clarke  _ wants  _ her.  Her skillful hands are touching Lexa’s breast over her shirt while Clarke leaves indiscrete love bites on her neck. The thought of Clarke leaving a mark on her cause her to grind her hips against Clarke involuntarily.  Any sort of friction was welcome.  Clarke takes note of this, climbs on Lexa and starts to roughly rub her herself against Lexa.  

 

“Ow.  Fuck!” In their drunken dry-humping daze Clarke bumps into Lexa’s sling.

 

“What’s wrong?”  When Clarke sees Lexa holding her arm she pulls back the sheet covering Lexa’s body and notices the sling it is in.  The view sobered her. “Lexa, what the hell happened to your arm?”

 

“It’s nothing.” Lexa reaches for Clarke’s bruised lips desperate to feel Clarke’s tongue against hers again but the moment had been ruined.  She lets her head drop on her pillow in exasperation.  

 

“Nothing? Lexa, you have a sling on.  What...Why didn’t you  _ call  _ me?  Let me see if I hurt you-”

 

“I did call you.  I called you many times, Clarke.”

 

“Lex-” Clarke tries but Lexa’s had enough and pushes the hand caressing her face.  

 

“No, you know what, I am not doing this.” Clarke gets the hint and climbs off, Lexa’s tented arousal glaringly evident. “I don’t care about what lie you’re about to tell me. I don’t care that you ditched me at the last moment to go drinking, but I do care about going to sleep because I have a headache so go take a shower, put some pajamas and go to bed.”

 

Like a kicked puppy, Clarke stumbles her way to the bathroom and Lexa lets out a string of curses. Horny and in pain.  That seemed to be a reoccurring theme in Lexa’s life recently.  

 

At least she got a momentary respite while Clarke showered.  If she acted fast, she could get some physical relief.  She fumbled with the buttons of her pajama pants; it was a lot more difficult to masturbate with her left hand but that didn’t deter her from making a wholehearted effort. She rubbed herself but after a few minutes of frustration, she gave up and let her thoughts about Clarke’s lies fester. Today just wasn’t her day.   

 

Right on cue, Clarke walks in just as soon as she pulls her useless left hand from her pants.  

 

“Hey.” Clarke starts; wrapped in Lexa’s robe and with her hair in a bun.  Lexa can’t help but think how beautiful Clarke looks with her makeup removed, She loved the freckles Clarke often covered with foundation and the natural deep pink of her lips.

 

She pushes those thoughts out of her mind and gets back under the covers, angling herself away from Clarke even if the position hurt the arm a little.  “Would you turn off the light?” she asks when she hears Clarke climbing next to her. A disappointed sigh fills the room.   

 

Once the lights are dimmed, Clarke climbs in the bed and stops a few inches away from Lexa.  She was testing to see how close she could get.

 

After what feels like hours, she hears the low crack in Clarke’s, “I’m sorry.” She’s glad the lights were off because if she had to look at Clarke’s eyes while she apologized, she would’ve forgiven her in a few seconds.  Like she has time after time.  

 

But  _ this  _ time the lights were off and she can at least put up a fight before she eventually lost.  She always lost against Clarke. Which begged the question; Why did she even try?  She was more than exhausted but reaches for Clarke’s touch out of habit, and the other girl is surprisingly eager to yield it pressing her head against Lexa’s back and rests her hand on her waist, careful not to hurt her again.

 

“I’m sorry for lying to you.  I just...I don’t have any excuse.” Lexa appreciates her selective honestly.  She can lie about where she would be but couldn’t come up with a decent excuse for why she lied. Dissatisfied with Lexa’s silence, Clarke reaches for Lexa’s chine to press their lips together.  It was a tender kiss, slow and gentle, but not comforting by any means, Clarke’s pattern of being sweet and endearing whenever she felt guilty or did something wrong was beginning to be painfully obvious so she pulls away a lot rougher than necessary.  She wouldn’t be distracted by Clarke’s touch even if she craved it more than air.  

 

With an audible anguish in her voice she asks, “Where were you?”

 

“I went out for drinks with some coworkers.” Lexa scoffs and Clarke sits further away from her.  By now her eyes had adjusted to the darkness so she can see that Clarke’s gaze was desperately searching hers.  

 

“That much I gathered,” she said referencing hear breath and it made Clarke self aware even if she just brushed her teeth less than five minutes ago.   

 

“It was Monty’s birthday and everyone from work was meeting up at a bar for drinks. I completely forgot that I had made plans a while ago. I was going to call you but I  _ knew  _ you wouldn’t want to come and would stay home instead.”

 

“Did  you, now?” 

 

“Babe, come on.  I love you but...you just always hate going out.  You always want to stay home and sometimes I need a break from these four walls.  I feel like I’m being suffocated, I just needed a break tonight.” Even before she was done speaking, Clarke knew she had made a mistake. The reason didn’t matter, the fact that she lied to get her way did. Lexa’s scowl was a blend of disappointment and exasperation. 

 

“I understand you need a break, but that is no excuse for you  _ lying  _ to me.” Lexa, who was now sitting upright, enunciated ‘lying’ as is trying to define the word for Clarke. “And honestly, I’m tired, I need a break too and it just so happens that I would like to go to bed now.” 

 

The chill in Lexa’s voice made the hairs on her arms stand and she crosses her arms to prevent herself from visibly shivering.  Not that it mattered, Lexa was back to her previous position but with her eyes closed. “Lexa, I don’t want to go to bed like this, upset with each other.” 

 

“Then go study in your room, go party with whoever you want, do whatever you want, Clarke,  but I am going to bed.”

  
  
  


She never did get the rest she wanted that night.  She stayed up all night wondering if she was  too crude to Clarke but she refused to apologize.  Every word that came out of her mouth she meant, in fact, she should have said more.

 

What happened last night wasn’t a one time thing, Clarke had a habit of making plans that involved her and not showing up at the last minute and that infuriated her, it felt as if her time was of no value to Clarke.  Because all it took was for any of Clarke’s friends to ask her out and all the plans with Lexa were automatically on the back burner, today being another example.   She didn’t feel like Clarke’s girlfriend, she felt like the friend, no, the person she went to when she didn’t have anything else to do and that destroyed what little healthy opinion she had of herself and instead replaced it with doubts.  

 

Clarke, Jake and Abby were all she had and right now.  Yet Jake and Abby weren’t  _ her  _ parents, they were part of Clarke’s life and right now she wasn’t even sure Clarke felt the same way about her anymore.  The sling wasn’t as good as a kleenex but it wiped away her tears. Really all it did was spread them all about her face.  She didn’t know what the hell was she supposed to do without Clarke.  One of the few people that saw past her walls and loved her.  Even if not now, at one point.  

 

When the sobs started, she stood from the bed and walked to her living room.  Napping in her victorian furniture would mess her back up but right next to the couch is one her favorite picture. It was an older picture of when Jake, Abby, Clarke and her went to the beach.  Jake had his hands on Lexa’s shoulder while Clarke pressed a kiss on her right cheek and Abby pressed a kiss on Jake’s cheek.  They all looked so happy on that beach.  Lexa’s smug smile was contagious, even now. Largely because she had lost her virginity the night before the picture was taken. 

 

_ “I don’t think I’ll ever as happy as I am in this moment” she had told Clarke right after they made love for the first time.  Abby and Jake were gone for the most of the night getting things ready before their trip and Clarke had insisted she wanted nothing more so Lexa was thrilled.  _

 

_ “I felt like that when I had my first time too.” Lexa had made a face at the thought of Clarke with someone else and Clarke sensed it.  “And now too, I am definitely feeling happy right now. “  She facepalmed “Sorry.  I’ll keep my conversations more...seductive.”  She went for her sides and tickled Lexa.. They didn’t get any sleep that night before their vacation instead they giggled all night and kissed and soon found themselves intertwined again _ .  

 

Oh, how right she had been seven years ago.  That  _ was  _ the happiest she’d ever been.  The happiest she would ever be  Her thoughts were getting more and more dismal, her insomnia was getting to her.  She misses Jake so much. It was so painful to learn that he could no longer be her therapist due to her relationship with Clarke.  She didn’t feel comfortable, talking about things that often revolved his daughter.  But dammit if he didn’t give good advice.  

 

She flipped the picture so that she could not longer see it.  It was bringing her too many memories from that day.  

 

_ “How do you know you’re in love?” she asked as she played with the coconut margarita in her  hand.  She was nervous because they were talking about his daughter for Pete’s sake.  _

 

_ “When you can give yourself completely without holding back and it doesn’t feel painful, you don’t feel scared you’re just...happy.”  _

 

That was exactly how she felt about Clarke seven years ago when she was seventeen. Now, she was starting to think that this pain was no substitute for love.  She  _ did  _ want to give her all but she was tired of feeling disappointed and belittled whenever Clarke chose someone else over her.  She wanted more. 

  
  
  
  


Anya knocks on Lexa’s door at 12:13. 

 

She could have called to check up on her grumpy friend but Lexa was a great coworker and, in her opinion, deserved more than a formal phone call to check up on her injury, although that was what she planned to do to Titus had he not called to inform her about his car mishap.  That idiot.  She wanted to smack him across the face for driving recklessly on the way to the hospital and causing a car accident, the third one he’s had this year alone, but every time she thinks about the situation she ends up laughing uncontrollably.  

 

But now was not the time for that, she needed to keep a straight face in front of Lexa.  

 

While she concentrated on keeping a professional demeanor, she almost didn’t hear, “Can I help you?” 

 

Although she can see the brunette sitting in the breakfast stool she still asks, “Yeah, Is Lexa around?”  

 

At the sound of her name, Lexa turns her head and makes a surprised face, “Anya?” Anya questions her decision to come here, perhaps she should have called.  Being here felt odd. “Babe, you can let her in.” Oh, well.  It was too late now.  

 

She tries to take in her surroundings in a subtle manner but is visibly surprised at the beautiful furnishings of the apartment.  This is not what she expected when she knocked on the door, that’s for sure.  Before she opens her mouth Lexa holds her hand out to and introduces the girl as her girlfriend, Clarke.

 

_ Pretty _ , she notes and smiles amiably.  

 

“I’m Anya.”  She returns the smile and runs her hand up Lexa’s arm, seemingly out of habit.  Anya almost audibly gushes at the cuteness, but she can’t control the grin on her face.  

 

“Babe, I’m going to go study with Monty for a bit.  I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”  She leans over to kiss Lexa quickly and gets the cheek.  Anya’s smile falters but she pretends to check her phone in order to avoid the awkwardness.  Yep, she should have called.

 

When Clarke’s out the door, Lexa invites her to sit down and even offers her coffee.  

 

“So…” Lexa is her across the room not really looking at her.  “How are you doing?”

 

“I’m not going to sue the restaurant, Anya.”  Anya rolls her eyes, Lexa is always straight to the  point but that’s not the reason she’s here. She was genuinely concerned for Lexa, even if Titus told her that there was no reason to worry.  It was only a minor injury anyway. But she still had to make sure the other girl knew that people cared for her.  

 

“That’s good to hear.” The coffee shakes in Lexa’s hand but she doesn’t reach to help the brunette.  If Lexa was anything like Anya, which she was certain of, any assistance or exhibition of pity would have insulted her.  

 

“I guess so.”  

 

Anya hums in appreciation when she brings the coffee to her lips. “Fucking hell, even the coffee you make is somehow superior.”  

 

She smiles, “It’s just coffee.” 

 

“Titus told me you dislocated your shoulder.  How are you feeling?” 

 

“Good, just a little sore.”She takes a sip out of her coffee and it seems like Lexa is carefully thinking about what she’s about to say.  “You didn’t have to come all the way here to make sure I was ok.”  It never ceased to amuse her how alike she and Lexa were.  Fiercely independent, no bullshit type of girls. It was rare to meet people like this. Honest.  This was why she’d decided to make more of an effort to befriend the grouchy girl.  

 

“I wanted to.”  Lexa’s smiled more in the last few minutes than she has in the whole time they’ve worked together.  “How long are you going to have to wear that sling for?”  

 

Lexa makes a face.  “Two to three weeks.”

 

“Damn it.  Well, look at the bright side, you do get some paid time off for three weeks.  That’s always a plus.” Damn, this coffee was really good.  It almost pisses her off because of course every coffee she drinks after this one will only disappoint her.  Would it technically be considered shitty to befriend someone because of their coffee brewing prowess?

 

The frown on Lexa’s face is not the reaction she expected. “Excuse me?”  

 

“I’m giving you paid time off, obviously.  You got injured on the job.”  Anya brings out some papers from her bag to get the hospital billing information sorted. Best she seem at least a little concerned about something that didn’t have to do with that coffee.  

 

“I know but three weeks?”  

 

“You don’t seem the least excited.  I mean, I can try to give you a couple more days-”

 

“More?  No, I don’t want any  _ more  _ days off.”  

 

Unsure of why anyone would want what she thinks Lexa’s asking, Anya pauses to consider.  “So you want to go back to work.”  

 

_ Yes _ , Lexa doesn’t actually speak but her desperate eyes and furrowed brows tell Anya her response.      

 

“Why?  I mean, even  _ I  _ was thinking about to throwing some rice on the floor and go moondance my way to some paid time off. Is there crack in this coffee or are you high?” 

 

“I’m not high.” She didn’t even deny the crack in the coffee hypothersis.

 

“That’s what a person that’s high would say.”

 

“I’m not high! I’m bored, ok.  I don’t have any hobbies, I don’t have any friends. My girlfriend is barely home...I don’t have anything else.  I don’t want to stay home for more than I have to and do nothing.  Please, don’t make me take any time off.”  Before she knows any better, Anya’s hands are on top of Lexa’s giving her a comforting squeeze.  

 

“I can’t just give you no time off, Lexa.  You’re a chef, I kind of need both of your arms.” 

 

“I can do anything else.”  _ My god, she’s desperate,  _ Anya thinks.

 

“Like what?  Washing dishes, serving, cooking, they all need both hands.”  

 

“I can be a waitress.”

 

“With a sling?”  Anya can’t stop the chuckle and Lexa can’t help but glare at her insulted.  

 

She lifts the shin proudly, “I was a waitress, briefly, before I started working in the kitchen.” Briefly meaning 2 days, Anya remembers.  Lexa was never  _ great  _ with people.  

 

“You probably had both working hands, though.  Because you need both hands to take notes and to serve the food.”

 

Shaking her head Lexa replies, “No, we have servers for that and I can take notes in my head.  Just give me a chance, that’s all I am asking for.  If it doesn’t work out, I will stay home and just chill but I know I can do this.”  The confidence in her words pull her in. 

 

Anya knew this was probably a bad idea.  What if Lexa got injured on the job again?  She opened her mouth to tell Lexa that she’s sorry, this was a bad idea.  Whenever her two to three weeks passed, she could could come back to work, but none of that come out of her mouth. “One chance.”

  
  
  


Lexa hated being a waitress, this was by far one of the worst ideas that she had come up with.     
Two times Anya had called her off to the side to tell her to “get her resting bitch face in check,” but it was harder than it seemed.  She had to make a constant effort to smile more in some interactions and lost her focus because according to Anya, whatever shit that was plastered on her face wasn’t a smile.  So she took her off to her office again and taught her how to smile in a way that it didn’t seem like she was hiding years of pain.  

 

In theory, it was simple, Anya said. “Never fake a smile, people can smell that a mile away.  Be genuinely excited for your customer’s presence because they will be tipping you.”

 

“You mean like a monkey.  Because that’s what I feel like.”  Lexa grumbled as Anya smoothed over the collar of her dress shit.  

 

“Well then, you better smile, mojo-jojo because at the end of the day _ you  _ asked for this so step up to the plate. You got this.” Anya’s smile is genuine so Lexa nods and does as told.  

 

Table 3 leaves her a 15 dollar tip and a “get well” note scribbled on the receipt and that puts her in a very good mood, they actually cared about her as a person and not just as the help. She’s making a lot more with genuine smiles than she had making, no,  _ slaving  _ over the kitchen. And she was being more appreciated, too.  In the best way possible, with money.  

 

She’d heard horror stories of customers being assholes and she will have to think that it’s because of her sling that she’s getting the most considerate customers.  They are more than cordial, actively making conversation with her so much that she has to consciously remember to check on her other tables.  If she took too long to interact with any of their customers, they didn’t show it.  Her sling was her saving grace. 

 

The first time she was questioned about her injury she tried to brush off the question and Anya, who ‘just happened’ to be walking behind her gave her a slight shove and a look telling her to milk to story. 

 

“I was trying to catch the bus and I slipped.” When she heard the cackle a part of her is insulted but when she looks at the source, they are not laughing in a mocking fashion.  It was more of an incredulous than anything so they prod some more.  

 

“Oh my god, was it raining?”  Both their eyes were on her and she’s surprised that she doesn’t mind the attention.  

 

“No, I actually tripped on a couple grains of rice,” she lied.  Somehow saying it was mashed potatoes made it seem worse.  They laugh earnestly again, the mood suddenly becoming pleasant and informal.  

 

_ This isn’t so hard,  _ Lexa thinks.

 

“Rice?”

 

Beginner’s luck.  That’s what she’s having right now, there is no way that this job could be so easy but she decides not to dwell on that, for once.  “ _ Rice.   _ So...have you guys dined with us before?”

 

“First time.”  The redheaded woman answers, glancing over to her brunette friend unable to control her excitement.  

 

“That’s great to know, I sure hope that it won’t be your last.  Did you have a chance to look at the menu or would you ladies like some more time?”  

 

“Well, what do you recommend?” 

 

“Anything but the rice.” Oh god, they laughed at Lexa’s joke and she figuratively jumped from joy.  Back to the matter at hand, what could she recommend to eat? She could talk about the items in the menu for days so she focuses on appetizers first.  The Asian Turkey Glazed with a Gochujang sauce was her favorite so she started with that.

 

“Go-chu-wang?” The brunette girl tries and her friend slaps her arm jokingly at her butchered pronunciation.  They were awfully friendly, Lexa notes.

 

“Don’t worry, I can’t even pronounce it either and I work here.  It means ‘red chili paste’ in a Korean and the meatballs are coated in this sauce and a little bit of ginger.  It’s very unique and light so that you don’t feel too stuffed for your entree.” They both seemed to be excited about their appetizers and the night in general so Lexa leaves them happily.  

 

“Oh god, you’re killing it out there aren’t you?” Anya trails behind her poking her with her pen.

 

“I’m doing alright,” she tries hard not to sound so cocky.  

 

“I’d say more than alright.  Those two girls were totally hitting on you.”  Lexa spins on her heel to face Anya and almost crashes into her.  

 

“You’re impossible.” 

 

“And you’re oblivious. Next thing you’ll tell me is that you didn’t know they were on a date.”

 

“No, not all girls dining in a restaurant are lesbians, Anya.”  Her manager rolls her eyes pretending to be exasperated but her eyes betray her, she was having fun teasing.    

 

“How is a gay person’s gaydar so fucked up?”  Lexa chuckles and walks away, she and her bad gaydar didn’t have time for this.  

  
  


After giving an order to the kitchen, Lexa rushed over to the table of some newly-seated customers.  

 

“Finally, we were just about to leave.”  Lexa’s thrown off by the guy’s shade and drops one of the menu on the floor.  Her girlfriend quickly retrieves it and assures Lexa it was no problem when she tries to apologize.

 

“My name is Lexa, I’m going to be your server today.  Have you guys dined here before?” 

 

“No.”  The guy in the greasy flat hair interrupts his girlfriend before she can answer.  “Can I get a budweiser and a water for her?”  

 

“I can order for myself, Finn.” Her sharp tone tells Lexa that they were probably not going to leave her a great tip tonight. The happy one were always more generous. “I’ll have an Ice Green Tea Mojito.” 

 

_ Yas, bitch.   _ Lexa almost yells out loud.   _ You tell that little boy.   _

 

“Alright, would you like to go get started on any appetizers or do you need a moment?” 

 

“No, we have already had a long moment waiting for someone to acknowledge us.”

 

“Stop being an ass.”  She sends an apologetic glance at Lexa and the boy’s face reddens.  

 

“I’m truly sorry about that, I will make sure to be more attentive. Now, you said you wanted a budweiser,”  She turned her attention to the girl who was  _ astronomically  _ out of this guy’s league.  Lexa couldn’t help but wonder if there was anything wrong with this girl that she was dating a dude with greasy flat hair and equally flat personality.  

 

“I’ll have a Guinness instead please.”  She smiled larger than necessary and Lexa assumes she’s being extra nice to compensate for her boyfriend. 

 

“One Budweiser and a Guinness coming right up.” 

 

Not one second after she turns away and they start bickering again. Maybe they could all go on a double date with her and Clarke and see who can be more miserable together.   

 

Now that she got out at least one self-depreciating joke out of the way, she really had to focus.  She goes back to check on the other girls, who were totally a couple Lexa now notes.  Those bedroom eyes that they were sending each other told her that although they were leaving, the night was anything but over. She’s certainly sad to see them go but the thirty dollar tip they leave on a mere 84 dollar check had her  _ almost  _ jumping for joy. She’d do all of her jumping outside this establishment, away from the all the rice.    

 

Mosts of the customers were fairly easy to deal with.  She did have a larger lady request for a gluten free menu for her and her children.  Apparently the gluten made them bloated and Lexa nods understanding when she looks at her children, who were also overweight for being so young.  Lexa is accommodating.  when she drops off the order she knows not to drop off the order with Titus lest he start his rant on how Gluten-free food was a fad started by the government to distract people from having their taxes raised.  Why the hell was this guy her father figure again?

 

Regardless, she did get the gluten-free food; a large pizza with extra cheese, extra pepperoni, extra sausage and extra bacon and a side of ranch to her table.  Something told her that it’s not the gluten what’s making this family overweight.  But that’s not any of her damn business, they gave a nice tip and she gave them great service and an authentic smile.  

 

And then there was that asshole.  Finn.  Finn who said his Budweiser tasted weird, Finn who said his pasta didn’t have enough sauce but when she brought him a new plate said it was too salty.  She felt bad for his girlfriend because she had to deal with this tool who found something wrong with everything.  But she still had to check up on him anyway, hopefully he won’t complain about his water being too wet.  

 

“Is there something wrong with your food?” She notices that Robin (she overheard her name while she and Finn bickered) had most of her food on her plate which was usually a bad sign.  

 

Spooked by Lexa’s voice, she jolts slightly, “Oh...I think I lost my appetite.  Can I please have a to-go box?”  

 

“Oh, I can totally have someone wrap that up for you, Ma’am.” She gestures at one of the busboys.  “Should I bring you the check or do you want to wait until he comes back.” Lexa gestures at the empty chair and the girl prefers to wait for the dick boyfriend.  She doesn’t blame her, after ordering two appetizers, several beers, expensive entrees, although his was deducted from the bill because he “wasn’t paying for the worst pasta he’s ever tasted,” and two deserts their bill was rather pricy.    

 

“No problem.” 

  
  
  


She didn’t want to pry but it was getting a little late and the restaurant was starting to thin out. After checking out the rest of her customers she started getting a little restless and walked over to Anya.  

 

“I am exhausted and my feet are killing me.”  

 

“Being a waiter is tough.”  Anya grants while diligently delegating tasks like no one else, all while holding a conversation with Lexa. She regrets ever referring to Anya as the ‘clueless restaurant manager who spent more time joking than actually getting any work done.’ “You done for the night?”  

 

“Not yet, I have two more customers.  The dude must be constipated or something, he hasn’t come back in more than twenty minutes.”  Anya’s reply gets cut short when Raven turns around searching for Lexa and she struts towards her.  

 

The deflated face on Robin’s face brings her up to speed, that asshole had left her.  

 

“Can I have the bill, please.”  Fuck, he left a ridiculously hot girl in a restaurant with the check.  

 

_ Don’t show any emotion on your face, the least she needs is for her waitress to pity her.   _

 

“Absolutely,” she says so focused on not showing how bad she felt for the girl that she instead seems too joyous and walks over to the register to ring her up.  Let’s see; they had an Iced Green Tea Mojito and two Budweisers.  Then two orders of Gochujang for an appetizer, he had the Brussel Sprouts Carbonara and she had the Spicy Linguine with Sausage and Peppers and two chocolate cheesecake.  Their total was a hundred and forty nine dollars with forty seven cents, fuck.  

 

And that was after she went back and edited out the Brussel Sprouts Carbonara. She felt like ripping up the receipt, finding that flat-haired bastard and shoving it down his throat.  What kind of garbage guy just ups and leaves a girl like that?  That’s low, vile, contemptible...and any other synonym for the word ‘detestable.”

 

The girl accepts the receipt in the leather pouch with class but she almost faints when she sees the amount.  On instinct, she reaches to catch the girl because it looks like she’s about to fall.  Lexa’s face flushes when she sees that she’s simply reaching back to get something in her purse. She give her the plastic card, blood drained from her face entirely.  Should she call the ambulance?  This place was starting to be very dangerous for people’s health, she and Lexa should start a class-action lawsuit.  How much could they get out of this place if they got a decent lawyer?

 

She pushes the ridiculous thought out her head, “I’ll be right back.”  

 

The card was declined.  She tried it a total of nine times before she gave up trying it.  Then she attempted to try and reduce some of the items from the menu.  She took out the Linguine since the brunette technically didn’t eat most of it and the card still didn’t go though.  

 

She was about to just go and be the bearer of bad news but when she turned around and saw the girl nervously tapping her leg, she noticed  how despondent she looked.  She had her head resting on both her hands as if she had no idea what to do.  Perhaps she knew that her card would get rejected and was hoping for some sort of miracle. 

 

Lexa would give it to her.  

 

259 dollars in tips was more than amazing in Lexa’s mind.  She was already making her normal pay on top of her tips and was just waiting tables to stay busy, this girl needed the money more than she did.  

 

“Ok, here is your receipt.  I hope that-”

 

“My receipt?”  Incredulous eyes searched hers to see if she was joking.  Lexa kept an amiable smile and nodded.  

 

“Yes, we give everyone a receipt at the end.  Oh, and some chocolates.”  Lexa talks but it doesn’t seem like the other girl understands.  “Here you go.”  Lexa hands her half a dozen small chocolates and smiles expectantly.  The other girl hasn’t removed the confused look on her face and Lexa’s smile is starting to transition from an amiable beam to a strained grimace.  “I’m sorry, am I forgetting something?  Did you want to get your parking valida-”  

 

“No, I am good, thank you.  I’m taking the bus back anyway.” Lexa nods.  

 

“Well, I hope you had a great time.” They share a knowing look, as if she could have had a decent night with that asshat, and the girl gets up to leave.   

 

“I didn’t, but that’s not your fault.  Have a good night, Lexa.”  

 

“You too, Robin.” The girl was about to say something but Lexa’s smile was so full that she decided to count her blessings and start her walk to the bus stop.  

  
  


When was the last time Lexa had her phone off for more than a couple hours?  As soon as she turned her phone on, she loosened the top buttons on her shirt and got the rest of her belongings together.  She made sure her keys were in her pocket, her phone and her wallet were with her before leaving the restaurant.  Great, now it was her own turn to make it to the bus.  Anya didn’t want her to stay back longer and help close the restaurant because, well, there wasn’t really much she could do in her condition.  

 

Clarke had messages her a couple of times and called her once today.  

  
  


Clarke, 12:20 P.M..: 

_ Hey, how’s your first day as a waitress?  Do you hate it?   _

 

Clarke, 5:00 P.M.: 

_ What time do you get out, btw?  I can pick you up. :-) _

 

Clarke, 8:57 P.M.: 

_ So, I am guessing you get out at closing time. Call me so that I can pick you up, that way you don’t have to take the bus.  I bet you’re exhausted.   _

 

As per usual, Clarke was ever so thoughtful whenever she was upset at her.  She wanted to know how she was doing, offering to pick her up at work and being very considerate.  If only she could pretend to be upset forever to keep this going.  She was only about a minute away from the bus stop when she sees a familiar face, Robin.  

 

Robin had left the restaurant at least ten minutes ago so the bus must be four to five minutes away, far less time than it would take for Clarke to make it to her job.

 

Robin was sitting on the right corner of the bench under the brightest part of the bus stop.  Perhaps she should say hi or something.  She was about to tap her on the back when her phone started ringing.   _ Clarke.   _

 

She would see Clarke at home, anyway so she waits until her phone stops ringing and sends her a short text message. 

  
Lexa (10:08):   _ Thanks, but I’m good.  See ya home.   _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took way too long but it's finally here. I really loved your reviews, they kept me going and always put a smile on my face. Please keep on reviewing.


	4. Waste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa share a moment. Lexa makes a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to start off by please asking you to stop asking me what the end game is. I know a lot of you like Clarke and Lexa and just know that there will for sure be some Raven/Lexa. If you don't like that, please don't comment telling me how you are done reading. Just stop reading. It's cool. Move on, there's a lot of Clexa ff out there. This one has both Clexa and Raven/Lexa. If that triggers you, please stop reading. You commenting your preference won't change the fact that I am actively writing this and I don't know yet who I want Lexa to be with. This story is more about LEXA learning to be accountable for her own happiness rather than relying on someone else to make her happy.

This city should invest more resources on its bus stop, especially with a fancy restaurant like Margianno’s a few yards away. . A metal bench surrounded by three panes of glass surely couldn’t take up that much of the city’s budget. But here she was, tiptoeing over the broken glass on the floor from one of the shattered glass panes. God, this bus stop made her feel at least ten times more broke than she actually was. 

“Long day?” Robin starts and Lexa feels glad she does. She’s glad that she’s not the one to have to rack her brain for an awkward conversation opener. Jesus, how was it possible to switch from a confident waitress able to make a killing in just tips to just this awkward tongue-tied mess? 

“Yeah,” she smiles but internally freaks out because that was a perfect opening for a conversation and all she says is ‘yeah.’ But the other brunette seems undeterred by her lack of confidence or doesn’t detect it at all and smiles wider, this time showing her teeth. 

“Let me guess, terrible customers?” Lexa opens her mouth to speak but Raven gets up, already distracted from the conversation. She looks up to see what's captured the girl’s attention. 

Bus number 15, coincidentally, the same one Lexa had to take, had made it on time, 

Good, they could continue their conversation on the bus. Unless she decided to sit far away from Lexa because of how inept she was at small talk. Even when she wasn’t awkward, she could still come off kind of rude, according to Anya. And Clarke. And Abby. Fine, according to everyone she’s met, she could be kind of an ass without her even noticing but Lexa just liked to be straight to the point. On top of that, her sense of humor was mainly sarcastic and strangers often mistook her sarcasm for discourtesy. 

It was so late that there was almost no one else on the bus. They were the only two, well, three if you count the bus driver, on the bus. She’s glad she decided not to take the ride from Clarke because if she hadn’t, Raven would have been on this bus alone. That thought alone sends a chill down her spine. She wasn’t a fan of a a girl riding the bus alone this late and makes it a point to sit next to Raven in a bus full of empty seats. 

The other girl either didn’t seem to find it weird, or was really good at hiding it, and when Lexa bruskly plops next to her Robin, bumping into her her way down, Robin isn’t annoyed and instead tries to get Lexa talking again. 

“So, I think there’s a glitch in my bank account.” Fuck, Lexa knew where this was going. She might as well make use of her terrible acting skills she picked up from freshman drama at high school. Her drama teacher often told her she was no Meryl Streep but she was an old condescending bitch anyway. 

“Oh no” Lexa puts her hand over her chest incredulous, she should at least be nominated for an Emmy after this. 

“Yeah, you see I had two dollars and eighteen cents in my bank account this morning so you will understand my…” Lexa notes how hard the girl tries to get the right word, “surprise when you told me that my card went through for a hundred and forty nine dollars with forty seven cents,” she says emphasizing the latter amount receipt in hands. Her tone was sweet and almost incredulous that Lexa didn’t even want to take credit for her generosity.

“That’s odd.” 

“It is isn’t it?” The girl scrunches up her nose this time being more open about the fact that she’s not being serious. “And, on top of that, this receipt here says that my bill was paid in cash but I handed you a debit card.” 

At a loss for words, Lexa instead starts fidgeting with her bracelet. There was nothing to say. 

“Thank you.” Lexa’s always heard people say that there’s more joy in giving than in receiving but all she felt while sitting so close to Robin that was discomfort. She didn’t dare turn to face her. She would rather this girl pretend like she had no idea Lexa paid for her bill. I mean, most of the people in the world were ingrates. Why couldn’t this girl be like any of them and forget about it? 

“Don’t worry about it, the restaurant--”

Raven interrupts before she can deliver her unsophisticated lie, “Before you finish that sentence, I should let you know that I saw you take out the money from your pocket and pay for my bill. Seriously, you’re kind and humble. What are you some sort of serial killer?” Robin has her eyes squinted towards Lexa in wonder. 

“What? Robin, I just wanted-” she’s interrupted again.

“It would be easy I guess, there’s just the two of us and the bus driver. You could just pretend to get off at my stop and easily have your-” 

“This is why I shouldn’t be nice to people” Lexa utters under her breath but when the other brunette stops her rant she knows she’s been heard. Robin looks at her with a glint of humor in her eyes, the edges of her lips are unable to stop from curving upwards in a mocking smile. She was kidding. 

“Lighten up, green eyes. I was just teasing.” Lexa stares. “You know, joking. Poking fun. Jesting.” Unable to change Lexa’s unimpressed face with her silly humor, Robin’s hands drop dejectedly.

Lexa, aware of the shift in the girl’s tone but unaware of what she did to cause it, tries to change the conversation. Or end it, whichever one came first. Unfortunately, all that comes out her mouth is a unenthusiastic, “Ok.”

“I'm sorry, I was just trying to be funny. It’s what I do when I don’t know what else to do. I’ve never had anyone do something so nice. Specially not a stranger.”

God if this girl knew how bad Lexa was with praise, she would have shut up a long time ago. “Oh, I’m sure anyone else would have done the same.” 

Robin gives her a you-know-that’s-not-true look so she looks outside the window, her apartment was only a couple of minutes away. Even though she’s used to it, she still is a little paranoid when she gets off the bus because of the time. Does Robin ever have this concern or is her taking the bus a rare thing? Does her boyfriend often ditch her at restaurants?

“Anyway, I’m almost getting off.” The way she said it made it obvious that she was sad to be leaving so soon. “Listen, I don’t have any way to repay you-”

“You don’t owe me anything.” Lexa extends out her hand hoping to halt any sort thoughts of repayment.

“My god will you let me finish?” she chuckles making it evident that she’s again just joking. “I only have two dollars and eighteen cents in my bank account but I do have a starbucks gift card from my piece of shit ex-boyfriend. Let me at least treat you to some coffee.”

Oh. It suddenly dawned on Lexa. They playful tone on Robin’s voice. The closeness between them even though there was more than enough space between their seat.

Robin was looking at her expectantly and Lexa takes her in. She was attractive, that’s for sure. Overwhelmingly so. But..

“Oh, I’m sorry. I have a girlfriend.” Lexa reveals. 

“Oh?” Robin is momentarily confused but as soon as the look was on her face, it faded. She turned her attention to her phone, probably to avoid the awkward moment although there was a hint of humor in her voice. “Does she allow you to have coffee with friends or is she some sort of coffee-Nazi? You have a very healthy self-esteem, by the way.”

Lexa’s face feels like it’s on fire. She would do anything to get out of this situation. How could she have been so self-centered? She really did need to work on her people skills. And her don’t-be-a-fucking-ass-when-someone-is-trying-to-be-nice-to-you skills. When she opens her mouth to, surely dig herself deeper into the hole, the bus bell rings. Robin had signaled the bus driver that her stop was next. Lexa can bet that this was not actually her bus stop but Lexa had turned the girl off and she would walk more just to escape Lexa. Great, even when she wasn’t trying to fuck things up.

“I’m sorry, I thought-”

“Don’t worry about it, Kanye.” Lexa actually laughs at that quip wholeheartedly. She doesn’t remember the last time she laughed so loudly. 

“I deserved that.” 

“You did. Listen, here’s my phone number.” Lexa takes the piece of paper the girl hands her. “Call me if you ever want to get some tea or a milkshake or some coffee.” The girl, who had now risen from the chair and was holding on to the metal pole, whispered the last word as if they were in on a little secret no one else knew. “I promise I won’t tell your girlfriend the coffee-nazi.”

“Oh, you got jokes?” Lexa teases. She’s about to go all out but the bus comes to a halt. Good, jokes were not her strong suit. Lexa is relieved. 

“I do. So if you want to hear any more, just let me know.” Lexa nods earnestly and the girl gets off the bus. As she turns to leave Lexa notices the hobble in her walk and notices her leg brace. 

Oh, suddenly Lexa is is very curious. She had so many questions. How did she get injured? And how and was it something that was permanent? What possessed her to date someone who obviously didn’t value or respect her as a person enough to give her a ride back home when she obviously had a leg injury? 

But she would never get those answers, she knew because there was no way in hell she could call this number. She has already embarrassed herself enough. She didn’t need to add salt to the injury. Lexa fiddles with the piece of paper in her good hand and finally unfolds it. She doesn’t expect anything but a phone number but the scribbled note captures her attention.

Raven (wrong bird) Reyes. 

Lexa slaps her forehead at her own stupidity. There was no way in hell she would call.  
____________________________________________________________________________

The least that she expected when she came back home was to see Clarke sitting in the living room tucked in a blanket waiting for her. Neither notebooks nor books were anywhere near. Weird. She was never without one of her school books, especially not at night. Clarke was a self-proclaimed night owl. She waited till night time to study because that’s when she gets the most work done and, quite honestly, Lexa was way past making her stop. 

So, when she walks through her main the door to the apartment, she really doesn’t expect Clarke to be waiting for her. Specially after she turned her down for a ride. Oh, crap. Hopefully that doesn’t become another sore spot. Another thing to fight about to distract them from the actual problem they should be addressing. 

“Hey” Clarke smiles wiping away at her eyes. It was only 10:47 PM, she doesn’t remember the last time Clarke was sleepy this early. 

“Hey.” Lexa stands near the doorway, holding her breath, partially waiting for Clarke to bite her head off. 

“How was your first day?” She exhales. Both in relief and in exhaustion. Relief that Clarke hadn’t chosen to pick a fight and exhaustion from a whole day of work. It’s not like she didn’t do anything as a Chef (in fact, she probably did more than she did as a waitress but just earned less), but it was a new type of work that tired her in a new sort of way. Yet she felt a sense of accomplishment that she hadn’t in a long time. Maybe because she helped a stranger in need or because she did a good job as a waitress (something that she never thought she could do, I mean, talking to people for money?) 

Maybe it wasn’t mutually exclusive. She felt great for helping that girl, even if she didn’t want to get thanked for it and she feels great for getting tipped for going a good job. 

But she felt good, and tired and sleepy. She needed to shower and sleep. It was way past her usual bedtime. 

“It was good.” She answers unloading her house keys and wallet. When she makes it to their closet to undress and grab her towel that she notices that Clarke was tailing her. 

“Just good? Come on, you have to give me more than that. Did you hate it too much? I tried texting you to see how you were doing.” Lexa holds her breath again. “Oh, breathe, will you? I know you’re probably not allowed to be on your phone. I’m not mad. I just want to know how today went for you.” Clarke leans forward to steal a quick kiss. Lexa makes it quick by pulling away way too soon for her own liking. She didn’t feel like going to sleep frustrated tonight. She was burnt out. 

“Babe, it’s late. I just want to take a quick shower.” At this Clarke pouts and tries to hold on to Lexa, entangling their fingers together and pulling her in again. Lexa wants to stay in the moment but she remembers that she’s mad at Clarke. And if she stops being mad, it’s like she’s lost. 

“Fine, but when you come back…” Clarke doesn’t need to finish the sentence. The silence spoke louder than words could and Lexa felt a heavy sense of dread at the thought that she would normally have jumped at the suggestion. 

Maybe she was just tired. A long shower should get her back to normal. Or so she hoped. It wasn’t like her to not get excited at the prospect of sex but she guesses she’s still annoyed at Clarke. 

She stripped herself of her waitress uniform. Once naked, she realized how uncomfortable she had felt in the clothes. She could actually feel her legs and the cool of her naked shoulders. This shower would do wonders for the aches she didn’t know she was feeling till she walked in the house. 

The water running over skin was hot enough to scald her skin, not more than once had Clarke made fun of her for looking like a boiled lobster after coming out the shower, but it seemed to to be doing more good than harm. Plus, she always felt rejuvenated afterwards. The bath was her very own reset button. It was almost like the heat burned a hole through her soul and emptied her of her worries. At least momentarily. 

If only she could stay under the faucet forever. Burning. 

By the time Lexa leans her forehead to the bathroom tile, the water had started to cool, robbing her of her moment of ecstasy and instead replacing it with cold annoyance. She didn’t even have time to get lightheaded from all the steam in the shower. What a waste of water, she’d rather not have showered at all. All she got was a strong sense of dissatisfaction. 

Maybe one day she could be able to afford an apartment that had hot water for more than 20 minutes so that she could boil herself alive in peace like she dreamed. For now, she simply reached for her towel and dried herself off. 

“I’m guessing these pricks will never fix the damn water heater. I don’t think I was in there for more than ten minutes and the water was already zero freaking degrees kelvins.”

Clarke tries to stifle a yawn but fails, “Babe, first you’ve been in there for about half an hour. And second the coldest temperature on earth ever recorded hasn’t been anywhere near zero kelvins. You just like to give yourself third degree burns in the shower, I swear it’s like you’re a freaking Targaryen.” Lexa rolls her eyes but her heart swells at the Game of Thrones reference.

The towel wrapped around her waist hits the floor as she bends down to reach for her pajamas on the bottom drawer. She thinks she hears a short gasp coming from behind her but it’s probably Clarke on her phone laughing at some Kim Kardashian meme. She hated how funny they actually were, specially that one where Kim is lying on her bed contemplating her life unable to move because she has too many things to do. 

Cold hands wrap around her just as she’s dragging her pants up to her hips. She flinches initially but tries to relax when Clarke’s chuckle reaches her ear. “What are you doing?”

“Putting my pants on?” She tries to answer matter-of-factly but it comes off as a question. 

“What for?” Clarke’s hand were on a voyage of their own, salaciously trailing down her stomach and into her pants. “You won’t need them.” Contrastingly, Clarke’s mouth blazed languid kisses down her neck, try as she might, Lexa felt like she could never fill her lungs with enough air. She felt herself stiffen in Clarke’s encouraging hand in no time. Was that wet spot on her pant from her shower or…

The answer to that wasn’t as important anymore, she was being led to their bed by her lust. Her back hits the mattress as Clarke impatiently pushes Lexa backwards and Lexa is searching for her lips. She opens her mouth but her protests die off when Clarke starts to drag the rest of her pajama pants all the way off, hips bucking in an involuntary plea.

She’s never been very religious but the way those lips wrap around her, she’s certain that if there was a superior being, he had answered her prayers. “See?” Clarke teases as she gives her length a teasing stroke. “No need for them.” 

 

“I love you.” Lexa’s mind is absolutely blank save for one fact, she loves Clarke. Needs her, can’t fathom a single day where she’s not part of her life. So she holds on to what she knows. “I love--” Clarke’s lips stop her from finishing her words. But the kiss tells her that Clarke feels the same way.   
She hopes so.

“I know.” Clarke raises the bottom part of her pajama shirt (she had no pants nor underwear on) to give Lexa a clear view of her length pressed against Clarke’s entrance. The view sents a fresh bead of wetness to the head of her member, Clarke utilizes it to allow Lexa inside of her effortlessly. Lexa’s on drugs. Lexa’s on something that has a biochemical effect on her. She can’t think, can’t breathe. I mean, physically she can’t but suddenly the volume of her lungs doesn’t seem to hold enough air to keep her lucid. Her focus becomes worse when she’s a couple inches inside and Clarke’s moans are loud enough for her to hear over the sound of her own frantic heartbeat. Clarke was giving her tachycardia a run for it’s money. 

When Clarke’s taking all of her cock to the hilt, Lexa’s good hand aids Clarke’s treacherous rhythm. One hand alternated between gripping her waist and rubbing Clarke’s breast. When she has her mouth wrapped on a rose-colored nipple, the frequency of Clarke’s rhythm increases. A hand presses her back against the mattress, Clarke was the one in control. But Lexa’s hand settles back on Clarke’s waist and starts a torturous pace that has Clarke unable to finish one moan before it dies in her throat, drowned by the next. 

Even if Clarke could breathe, and just barely at that, there was nothing in her queue of commands but wanton moans and gasps, she’s able to whisper, “Lexa.” It came more like a plea. She was begging to be put out of her misery. To explode and for Lexa to burn with her. “Baby, I need you to cum.” 

Lexa nods, as if she could have made it to a couple more strokes anyway. “I need you to come right now, I want you.” She tries to flip them over so that she can frantically rut into Clarke with the little molecules of energy (Clarke had told her they were called ATP, the energy currency of the body) she had in her and cum. But Clarke shoves her hand away and starts grinding on Lexa like she was trying to start a fire with just their bodies. And suddenly, something clicks deep inside of Clarke and she’s convulsing. Chest rising and deflating and her walls squeezing around her. The spark that gave way to her own orgasm. 

“That’s it baby.” Clarke’s voice comes from Lexa’s neck in a soothing caress. “That’s it.” Lexa empties herself in Clarke, completely devoid of consciousness as her hips jut upwards at Clarke’s encouraging words. 

When Clarke positions her head on Lexa’s chest, she’s a little taken aback. When was the last time they had actually had time to cuddle after sex? “I’ve missed this.” Clarke’s voice reverberates on chest and her whole reacts. That deep voice always did it for Lexa and she found that her circulation was being redirected to the same appendage. 

How her body found the ATP molecules to do that, she had no idea but she could barely keep her eyes open. “Yeah, me too.”

“I know we’ve been both pretty busy lately. Me with school and you with work but we have to make time for this. For us.” Lexa wants to scream that she’s never busy. She’s always home, it’s always Clarke who is always studying or at the hospital. She doesn’t have to change because she’s not the one that needs to change Clarke’s the one who tells her time and time again about how she wants to spend time with Lexa but she always ends up breaking her promises. Changing her plans and they always end up at square one. 

“That sounds nice.” At Lexa’s nonchalant tone, Clarke raises her head on her elbows, hurting Lexa’s hand in the process. 

“Shit, I keep on forgetting.” But Lexa cringes at Clarke’s choice in words.

“It’s ok. It was an accident. I’m fine.” Lexa knows that Clarke only wants to help her injured arm but when she reaches for the sling, she pushes Clarke off a little briskly. 

When they’ve adjusted themselves to a new position, Clarke spooning Lexa, running one hand feeling the texture of Lexa’s brace. It’s funny, she thinks. She sees patients every day, patients undergoing open heart surgeries, brain injuries, broken bones, she’s seen it all. And seeing Lexa in a sling because of a dislocated shoulder is enough to make tears slide down her face. She’s happy Lexa can’t see her. 

“I know how hard it must be for you. But I want you to know that I love you, Lexa.” She presses a kiss on Lexa’s neck. “Lexa?...Lexa?” She presses another kiss a little rougher on Lexa’s cheek and the other girl jolts right back up. “Were you sleeping already?” 

“No.” Lexa says, dragging the word like an annoyed eight-year old and Clarke only giggles. In return, pressing more kisses on Lexa’s neck. This time, she left loud popping noises to bother Lexa. 

“Goodnight, babe.” As soon as Clarke said that and intertwined their fingers together, Lexa was sound asleep again. 

_

Arguing was never Lexa’s strongest suit. At least not recently. But as she found herself waiting for Clarke in the exact same spot at the hospital in Clarke’s cafeteria and Clarke was unsurprisingly late, she felt like arguing. If Clarke knew Lexa was coming, as she often did for the past year or so for lunch, why was Clarke always late? Why did Clarke insist she keep on coming when Lexa suggested, more like threatened, to stop altogether? And most important of all, why couldn’t she fucking stand up for herself?

Every time Clarke was late for more than 15 minutes or so, Lexa had a script rehearsed in her mind. One in which she would not change her mind no matter what Clarke said and just stop coming to this damn depressing place. She would be straight to the point and deliver facts to prove her point, but be nice about it. There was no need to add fire to the flame and she already knew Clarke would be rather inflamed by her decision. 

Seventeen or so minutes later than planned, Clarke would walk in, quick to steal a kiss and all of her resolve. It was only on her way to the bus that she would berate herself for a missed opportunity to be brave for the first time in years. And later make herself feel better by thinking that at least she got a kiss. 

She’s got to keep the glass half full. 

“Hey, there.” Her head had been resting on the table but in less than a second she’s sitting upright looking the person she probably least expected to be here. Raven (not Robin,) who’d skipped the formalities and had quickly taken the place she’d saved for Clarke, was smiling mischievously as if she was in on a joke that went over Lexa’s head. She open and closed her mouth a couple of times before the other girl took the lead of the interaction. 

“You look rather awake today. Is your girlfriend not letting you have coffee again?” Lexa’s head tilts at this. She’s unfamiliar with the reference. “Because she’s a coffee nazi.” Raven explains. 

“Oh. Um, I just haven’t slept well.” Lexa suddenly is hyperaware of her posture and the light drop of drool on the corner of her lip she tries to subtly wipe off and Raven looks like she’s trying to hold back her laughter. 

“That really did go over your head, didn’t it. It’s ok, you’re too sleepy to get it.” Lexa actually chuckles at the overconfident jab expertly delivered with the same tone a mom would use when talking to a child. 

“I’m actually not that sleepy. Your joke just wasn’t that funny.” Lexa’s barely able to finish her sentence before she’s laughing at Raven’s face of fake insult. 

“You take that back, you big jerk.” Raven lifts a hand from under the desk and places another coffee in front of Lexa. “And here I was nice enough to get you some coffee.”

“Oh.” Lexa tries to keep her facial expression neutral, as if she’s not wondering how Raven knew she was here of all places and how she knew she needed coffee. She never did end up texting her, she was too embarrassed. She’d called her Robin the whole night, for christ’s sake. 

“Don’t give me that look. I didn’t stalk you or anything. I was actually waiting for my friend to get out of work so that I can beg her to stay at her place, and I saw you here. Looking sad and coffeeless.” Raven pushes the coffee cup to Lexa. 

“Sad and coffeeless.” Lexa repeats under her breath, anything to distract her from asking anything about how she’s suddenly now homeless. She fears insulting the girl. 

“Yes. Sad and without any coffee to drink. But don’t worry, I came to the rescue to save you from your coffee-nazi girlfriend.” Raven makes a gesture as if to be very nice and caring, almost as if she were back at the adoption center and she cringes a bit. “I know, people often tell me I have a heart of gold.” 

“You don’t say?” Lexa jokes.

“So, what are you doing here? Checking up on your arm?” Lexa was having a hard time opening her cup to add some sugar when Raven finally takes the lid off the cup. She grunts in appreciation. 

“No, I’m actually here to have lunch with my coffee-nazi girlfriend.” At this Lexa brings the hot liquid to her lips and didn’t have the self-restraint to hold in a grimace. 

“Oh, did you burn yourself?” Lexa shakes her head, which was a mistake, she could have easily just have said that,yes, she had burned herself. But she wasn’t thinking. “Is it...bad?”

Lexa, being the worst liar in the multiverse, shakes her head furiously and Raven laughs loudly. “It’s fine, I was just shocked by the flavor.” 

“Oh, my god. It’s free coffee, you jerk. You say ‘thank you’ and pretend it’s good like a normal person.” Lexa looks down in embarrassment and swallows the rest of the coffee she still had in her mouth, making an assortment of disgusted facial expression all while Raven was fake offended. At least she hoped it was fake. “Could you be more exaggerated?” She brings the coffee up to her own lips and instantly mirrors Lexa’s expression. Now it’s Lexa’s turn to laugh as Raven holds a disgusted scowl. “This coffee tastes like shit.” 

“I don’t think there’s any way my shit would taste this bad.” Raven nods and sets her coffee to the side. 

“Anyway, you said your girlfriend works here, is she like a nurse?” 

“Oh, no. She’s on her third year of medical school. So she’s always at the hospital helping people and stuff.” Wow, that was a lackluster explanation of what Clarke does. She’s unable to stop herself before she asks, “How about your boyfriend?”

“Ex-boyfriend thank you very much.” Lexa always had some sort of luck for talking about the things she didn’t want to talk about. 

“Ok.” 

“I mean can you believe that dick? First of all, I broke up with him because he can’t keep a job or his pants up. So he tells me to give him another chance” Lexa’s glad that she’s not the only fucked up person in this table. “so , I do. Just to get him off my back. We go in my car for a date last night, he acts like an asshole and then when I tell him to stop, he tells me he forgot something in my car and leaves me with the fucking bill to take the bus home. So, I went to our apartment, packed up my stuff and here I am. Couch hopping. Well, I was in a hotel for a week. But I can’t afford that shit. I can’t barely afford decent coffee.” 

Lexa laugh, like she normally does, at the wrong moment. “Technically, you can’t.” Raven snickers. 

“Shit, you must think I’m crazy as hell, just leaving him with nowhere to go but it beat spending my life trying to fix someone who will never change or give me what I want.” Ah, what a perfect time for Lexa to have an existential crisis, but Lexa resists the urge and pushes the conversation forward. 

“For dating that jerk and liking this shit coffee, yeah. But other than that, no.” Raven shoots her an incredulous glance, but Lexa is unwavering. “Everyone has a tough time every once in a while, at least you had the balls to stand up for what you wanted.” Raven is about to say something but Lexa’s phone alarm goes off. It’s time for her to go if she wants to get to her shift in time. “I have to go.”

“Oh, well. It was nice talking to you again.” Lexa nods, earnestly. 

“It was.” She stands there for a minute to see if either of them have something to say before she leaves and a couple of awkward seconds pass. “I’ll just take this delicious coffee with me then.”

When Lexa walks into Margianno’s, she rushes to the mirror. Anya had insisted in the importance of her appearance when it came to waiting tables. An unkempt waitress weighed down the reputation of the restaurant and, more importantly, got tipped less. 

She makes a full stop in front of the door of the restroom when a patron opens the door to leave, she shifts to avoid getting in their path and smiles. 

The lady smiles in return and actually holds the door open for Lexa who thanks her. She didn’t expect the courtesy and rushes inside. She drops her to-go box on her way in and the lady is quick to pick it up for her. 

“Oh, thank you so much.” She utters staring that the box in her hand. Fuck, she forgot to give Clarke the food she brought for her.   
She forgot to give Clarke the food she brought for her. How the hell did she forget to give Clarke her food? 

Sure she wasn’t as enthusiastic to know what Clarke thought of the flavor profile since she wasn’t the actual cook, something that had been hurting her recently when she sees any food served that’s not up to her standards, something that happens way too many times. However, she can’t believe she was so distracted that she never gave Clarke her food. 

Well, everything clicks for Lexa. She never saw Clarke. She got on the bus, food in hand, she got off the bus, walked into the hospital cafeteria, waited for Clarke. Clarke was late, of course, and she took a nap waiting for Clarke until Raven woke her up. She was so distracted by the shitty coffee and cocky brunette that she forgot that Clarke never even showed up. 

She looks at the reflection in the mirror trying to gauge how she feels by looking at her expression. Because she doesn’t know how she feels right now, silly because she forgot to do the very thing she went to the hospital to do or upset that Clarke didn’t even have the decency to show up. She chuckles dryly. 

She wasn’t even going to pretend to be shocked. She wasn’t even going to check her phone to see if Clarke would at least grace her with an electronic apology. She tosses the container away when she leaves the restroom unwilling to care about the waste of food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely looking for a beta. This chapter took me a bit, I had a bit of a writer's block and having to reread for errors can be a pain. 
> 
> I will have to reread this again for errors it's late and I wanted to post ASAP.


	5. Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wonders if trying anything is worth it

Amazon would be the death of Lexa. She graduated months ago but her Amazon prime student account was still active and she lived very close to the nearest warehouse. That meant that her order of a Bialetti espresso maker, Lavazza whole coffee bean and Dalstrong chef knife would get to her in one day for no additional shipping charges. 

Tomorrow she would be able to grind the delicious coffee beans and decide for herself whether the reviews on amazon had any validity. She was ecstatic.

A small part of her also felt a little guilty. She should stop spending so much money. True, she was making more but there were better ways to spend her money. Like, for example, adding more money to her savings account. She only had $0.17 saved because she treated her savings account like an extension of her checking account instead of leaving it untouched. She could also start paying off her thirteen-thousand dollar student loan from her ever-so-useful bullshit degree in psychology. 

Eh, she could think about all of that next pay week. She could afford to spoil herself for a bit, if anything she was just investing in research. It might pay off. 

“What are you looking at?” Clarke plops next to her on the bed, hair still wet from her shower and just barely wrapped around her. 

“Nothing.” She didn’t want Clarke getting on her case about her shopping habits again, so she closes the tabs to Clarke’s macbook. 

“Nothing?” Clarke teases. “So if I go to your amazon account, I won’t find that you’ve placed an order?” 

Lexa tries to close the laptop but Clarke stops her. “Babe.”

“I know, I have to stop spending money on amazon.” Lexa lets out in an exasperated sigh

“No, that’s not what I was going to say, although you probably should. I was actually wanting to know if you wanted to go to my parent’s anniversary dinner this friday?”

“Yeah, sure. Where are they having the dinner at? Please don’t tell me we are going to that trash restaurant from last time. ” Clarke chuckles lightly. 

“Every restaurant that’s not yours is a trash restaurant, you snob.” Clarke quips with a mischievous glint in her eyes. 

“You know what, I am. But a blind child who’s never seen a potato in their life would make better potatoes au gratin. I swear they used great value parmesan cheese. I mean, you just got to use real parmigiano-reggiano.” Clarke’s laughing again and hands wrap around her pulling her on top.

Lexa inhales deeply. Moments like this made her want to slow down time, just in case they might not happen again for a while. Clarke’s hand tracing her lips and looking at her as if trying to memorize her features. 

“I love you and how snobby you are about food.” Lexa kisses the finger lingering on her lips, briefly. Moving her attention to Clarke’s naked collarbone. She feels the vibrations on Clarke’s neck as she moans. 

“I’m picky about what I put in my mouth.” God, that felt stupid as soon as it left her mouth but Clarke laughs anyway, tightening her legs around Lexa. 

“Yes you are.” Clarke says suggestively and Lexa gets the hint. She diverts her attention further south and peels the towel off Clarke’s body. When all Lexa can do is stare in adoration Clarke grabs Lexa’s only good hand and guides it to her breast. Lexa hardens at the contact. “Am I to your liking?” 

“Looks can be deceiving.” 

“Then why don’t you try for yourself?” The suggestion does not go above Lexa’s head, more like straight to it. She’s quick to kneel in front of the bed and drag Clarke by her leg. She wasn’t very delicate and worked her hand on massaging her breast. Clarke’s dilated pupils and jittery hands guided her attention to Clarke’s center and in mere seconds Clarke’s whimper guided her in her obejctive.

Clarke’s voice would always be the death of Lexa. Sultry, deep and able to permeate her every barrier. Unable to ravage Clarke with her mouth and just keep still, Lexa started to touch herself. Anything to keep her mind off those sounds. 

But Clarke wasn’t interested in Lexa keeping her cool. She pulled Lexa by her hair. Every second she waited burned. When Lexa’s mouth was on hers, warm and and still very wet, she couldn’t help but grab Lexa and rub the head on her entrance. Lexa tipped her hips forward. Just barely enough to dip in and Clarke’s phone starts ringing. She knows it’s Clarke’s phone, even though they both have the same ringtone because she doesn’t ever get a damn phone call unless it’s from Clarke and considering their state, it’s safe to say it’s not her phone. 

“Fuck, can you pass me my phone?” 

“Right now?” Lexa deadpans. 

“It will just be one minute.” Lexa awkwardly steps off the bed and searches for the phone. She’s unable to find it, when she turns around the phone is already in Clarke’s hand and she’s cursing and trying to find her clothes. 

“You said it would be just a minute.” She doesn’t have to ask where she’s going, it’s obvious. Clarke’s always at that damn hospital. What could she hope for for the rest of her life with Clarke if she wasn’t even a doctor and Clarke was already so occupied. 

“I know, I’m really sorry. I forgot I changed turns with someone so I could get Friday off. I’m really sorry.” 

Lexa clenched her fists to stop herself from yelling, “It’s ok.” Clarke smiles satiated and presses a kiss on Lexa, who on the last minute gave her the cheek and made her way to the shower. 

“Are you sure, I mean I can try to call off maybe I can cover--” 

“It’s ok, you already made plans. Go, I’ll shower and watch a documentary or something. When do you come back?”

“Early in the morning.” Lexa’s face shows disappointment and Clarke trails after her hugging her from behind. “And then I am all yours. Promise, I just need to go right now.” 

And so she left, leaving an aroused Lexa trying use to her willpower to make her erection disappear. Failing incredibly. Never being a fan of cold showers, Lexa took a warm shower and just...took her time. She tried not to think of the fact that she still hasn’t confronted Clarke about not even showing up to their lunch date a week ago. Every fucking time she makes up her mind to talk about it, Lexa loses her resolve and ends up doing nothing at all. 

She gets even more upset when she thinks about the fact that she hasn’t told Clarke that she misses her so much. She’s been with Clarke for so long but she’s never felt this lonely and unlovable. It seems so much easier in her head, to just tell Clarke. She knows Clarke might understand, she’s just not sure she may do anything about it. And that scares her because it reinforces her belief that Clarke’s fallen out of love with her. 

She no longer leaves her cute messages around the house for Lexa to find. She doesn’t text her at random times of the day to tell her that she’s just thinking of her. She doesn’t make her breakfast in the morning (it’s the thought that counts, Clarke’s not a great cook whatsoever). She no longer makes hint at Lexa about proposing, she’s actually quite cynical about the concept of marriage. 

But if Lexa didn’t talk to Clarke about her feelings, she might as well start packing her bags and move under a bridge. She didn’t have money for a downpayment on an apartment to live on her own. Not if she kept on buying crap from Amazon. She would have to get deposits for electrical and water. And she would have to rent a car (she didn’t have enough things to necessitate a truck.) Mostly pots, pans and assorted cooking things. Clarke’s clothes took most of the closet and all the furniture belonged to Clarke. 

She would have to talk to Clarke today. So she stood in front of the mirror for a few minutes trying to practice what she was going to say. She sounded stupid and weak. So she sat in front of her couch (the actual couch was too uncomfortable and searched for the most boring documentary she could find that had a british narrator. 

And find one she did. Apparently there were some mummies found with traces of cocaine on them. Boring enough for a documentary, she supposes. This was supposed to be a big discovery because the oldest traces of cocaine weren’t until after colonization from europeans. Or something like that, Lexa wasn’t paying attention too much. Even this documentary wasn’t boring enough to quiet her thoughts about Clarke. 

 

How could Clarke not even apologize? Technically, they had sex that day which was the way of Clarke apologizing for anything recently. But to not even bring it up? Specially when Lexa was being passive aggressive all week. Has Clarke not even noticed little things like Lexa not making Clarke breakfast in the morning? 

Clarke knows her better than anyone else in this world. She must not have been looking. That's no surprise. 

But all of that will end today. There’s so much to tell Clarke that she’s not even sure where to start. She just doesn't want to sound like an idiot but she’d much rather sound like an idiot than stay quiet anymore. 

 

_  
So Anya invites her out while she’s finishing up on one of her tables. “Out” as in hang out as friends. Lexa’s actually hurt when she has to reject her. “Oh, I can’t this friday. I have something at Clarke’s parent’s house. Their anniversary.” Anya is undeterred and offers to hand out Saturday instead. 

What could they possibly do for fun? Lexa wasn’t watching any shows or anything particularly interesting to talk about. Maybe she could get a bottle of wine and make some food. Were they planning to do this at her house or Anya’s? 

“Ok, that sounds good. Text me your address or we can chill at my place.” Anya offers to text Lexa her address instead and Lexa remembers that she doesn’t have a car. When she’s done she hovers around Anya trying to awkwardly bring the topic up without making it seem weird. 

“So, does your place have any bus stops nearby by any chance?” 

“Oh, crap. I totally forgot. Don’t worry about it, then we can totally just chill at your place. Your girlfriend’s fine with that, right?” Lexa sighed. If Clarke was studying for anything, she might have a problem with the wind blowing too hard. “Well, based on your facial expressions, I’ll guess she won't. How about I just pick you up? You don’t live too far anyway.” 

“Oh, that’s not what I was trying to--”

“I’m picking you up, Lexa. Now go finish wiping those tables so we can leave.” 

At Anya’s insistence, she was also given a ride home instead of just taking the bus home. She didn’t over think the conversation she had with Anya in the car. It was nice, full of pauses but not awkward ones. 

“I never wanted to just work in a restaurant as a manager, you know. Even if this restaurant is pretty cool. I wanted to be a business owner. It’s what I went to school for. Even if I didn’t finish,”

“So do you hate this job?”

“No, I’ve learned a lot about managing obviously. I’m planning to go back to school. Finish my business degree and when I do, I think I want to open a restaurant or a food cart. Just build something from the ground up. That’s what I want.” 

“That’s pretty cool.” But it wasn’t really, Lexa was never interested in owning her own business. Trying lead to too many failures. “I don’t know if I would ever go back to school, though. Don’t know if I can afford that.” She knew she couldn’t afford that. 

“I’m trying to see if I can get our piece of shit boss to pay for it. I mean, we’ve been working there forever. Other shittier places have those benefits. Why not us? Go back to school and not have to pay for it. It shouldn’t be that outlandish, shit even McDonald’s will pay for their employees to go back to school.” 

Trying leads to too many failures, Lexa ponders while trying to look attentive. She’s always been told she’s a horrible listener so she tries to make it seem like she’s paying attention. Even if she doesn’t agree at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I know i haven't written in a long while. School is kind of a lot right now any I also have been a little bummed over this chick I dated. Good news is that I have a lot more inspiration to write now. I know this is super short but I promised myself i would stop being a lazy bum and just post what I had saved for months in my computer no matter what.


	6. Inescapable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa fight

It's hard to accept that things have changed. Maybe because that means that you have to put some extra work into something that you aren’t guaranteed will work out. You smooth out the kinks, you dust yourself off and well, you realize you were wrong. Wrong about something you really didn’t want to be wrong about. 

Clarke. 

She was wrong about Clarke. Maybe she and Clarke didn’t make each other happy. And instead they were what kept each other miserable. And, yes, as faux “deep psycho jargon” as it did sound, it was true. She really did need to change. For the better. 

Ever since Clarke left her. No, kicked her out. She had been slowly getting worse. For example, it was currently 7:22 am, she’d been up since about 4 surrounded by empty bottles of beer that left a nasty aftertaste in her mouth. Even after brushing with her posh sonicare toothbrush and mouthwash. Seriously, what was in that beer? And more importantly, why was she spending 200 dollars on a toothbrush?

Surely it wasn’t anything that helped her cope with her breakup with Clarke. They are still broken up and her mouth just tastes like old vomit. Her laundry was scattered in several piles all over her room because she was too lazy to fold them. Her life was a mess. Wait, no, that’s too negative. Her life could be better. 

Maybe she could start by doing her hair. A new haircut. Running off the beer belly she was well on her way of getting. Cleaning her room, and the apartment for that matter. Maybe Anya would appreciate it. 

And getting Anya to like her would be nice. She was practically homeless. Oh, and drinking more water. Water always made everything better. Specially when it didn’t contain 6-10 percent alcohol in it. Plus, beer always made her feel guilty ever since she read those self help books. She only read the cover but if she had read the actual books, she would have felt even guiltier. 

Lexa stands to get the books and place them next to her nightstand. It will increase the chances that she will read them. She would do well to read “You, The Owner’s Manual (An Insider’s Guide to the Body That Will Make you Healthier and Younger.” Although the author could have chosen a shorter name. She also picked up “A resilient life” and “The Wisdom of Gratitude.” 

Right, these books seemed great. She could use being grateful right now. She’s grateful Clarke broke her heart, slept with someone else, kicked her out. Used her to prop up her self esteem and drained hers in return. How could you not be thankful to someone you have known most of your life and still decided to just toss it all away when she...did some things. 

A lot of things. She did a lot of wrong things. Letting Clarke walk all over her just because she didn’t have the emotional fortitude to walk away when she didn’t like the way she was treated. She’d been without love for so long, craved it for so many years that even when Clarke mistreated her and possibly slept with that piece of shit, it was still better than being alone. It still brought some relevance to her life. Some complaining that would distract her from having to change. 

But all it did was delay the inevitable. But it still happened. Lexa was alone. She’s going to have to change anyway and this time, she’ll have no one to blame for her failures other than herself. But first she had to figure out what went wrong? What could she have done better? 

 

Clarke doesn’t help with the dishes. Not that she ever does, but she at least does a shitty enough job that Lexa ends up taking the dishes away from her. This time, though, she gets drunk and ends up ranting with one of the guests about how stupid getting married was. 

Abby shoots Lexa a glance that she’s sure would have appeared subtle had Lexa not been expecting it. “Looks like someone’s had too much to drink.”

Lexa doesn’t say anything because there really isn’t anything to say. Nothing that won’t instead make her more upset. She’s already accidentally broken a plate. Her hands had been shaking and she was upset. 

“Don’t take it personal.” Abby starts. “I’m sure she doesn’t mean anything she’s blabbing about. You know she loves you so much.” Lexa continues scrubbing the plate in her hands for the tenth time when Abby finally removes it from her hand. “Lexa. You know I love you like my own daughter, right?” 

Instead of paying attention, Lexa shifts her focus to anything else that needs to be cleaned in the kitchen but she seems to almost be done and Abby physically stops her from moving. 

To the left is Clarke animatedly explaining with indignation how one of her supervisors spent years to get into medical school and then his residency, paying off his student loans and his wife just up and took half of his money. “All she had to do was look pretty and just like that half of everything.” Lexa visibly cringes. Is that what Clarke thinks of marriage? A scam?  
“I know that.” She says, hoping that she was replying to the right part of the conversation. Her attention had been wavering between her and Clarke.

‘I’m saying it because no matter what happens, I want you to know that you will always be my daughter. 

Lexa has to hold back a scoff, “Yeah, whatever happens.”

“I know things between you and Clarke are not the best they’ve been. But if she decides to make the worst mistake of her life,” Abby turns Lexa’s face towards her gingerly. “You will always be a part of my family.”

“Has Clarke told you anything?” They both knew what she was hinting at. Had Clarke told her about her cheating.

“Anything like what?” Abby seems genuine in her confusion but Lexa knows they are on the same page. There’s no point in embarrassing herself any further. She couldn’t take it.

“Never mind.” This was not the time to ask, anyway. “Tell me about your trip. Oregon right?”

“Yeah.” Abby tries to transition to the new conversation yet her eyes were still confused. Yet there was some semblance of relief. “Jake. He wanted to go there.” 

She told Lexa about all of the places they would go on their trip. Wizard Island and something about staying in a lodge at Multnomah Falls. It all sounded great. She had half a mind to try and hide in their luggage. 

Maybe she was meant to live in Oregon. Maybe she was meant to be anywhere but here. 

“‘Chu guys chatting about?” Clarke figuratively teleports behind them and makes her jolt. She has a goofy grin on her face and glassy eyes. She was clearly drunk. 

“Oregon. Baby, you should take it easy. Why don’t you give me that beer and Lexa can take you upstairs so you can lie down.”

“No, mom I’m fine. Plus, Lexa still has all these dishes.” In an effort to point out all of the dishes with her hand, Clarke ends up losing her balance and dropping the beer on the floor. The glass shattered all over the floor and Lexa couldn’t help but roll her eyes. 

“Alright, I’m taking you upstairs.” Lexa grabs her by the arm a little brusquely but Clarke wasn’t making it easy on her. 

“Don’t fucking touch me.” The tension between them was getting palpable. And her stomach almost dropped. She was mortified, frozen in place and at loss for words. Anything at this moment would do. Anything to show Abby that her daughter doesn’t get to just walk all over her and get away with it. 

“Clarke.” She swears she’s never seen Abby this angry before. Her eyes are furious and all of that fury is directed at Clarke. She swears she’s never seen anyone this upset.

 

It’s just too much, Lexa needs a damn drink. She exits the kitchen to find the oldest bottle of scotch. It was a special occasion after all. 

Lexa was so tired of feeling like she didn’t matter. She already had felt that almost all of her childhood at the orphanage. The only love she’s ever felt before was from Clarke and her family. But at the end of it, they were Clarke’s parents and not hers. That’s why breaking up with Clarke wasn’t just breaking up with Clarke. It was ending a relationship with the only three people that had ever loved her. Suddenly being cheated on didn’t seem so horrible. 

She’s absolutely positive she didn’t have the strength to endure being that unwanted again. But she had no ideas how to save her and Clarke if Clarke didn’t want to stay in a relationship. She wasn’t a wizard afterall. 

“You doing ok there?” Jake asks. He was her damn therapist, so she shoots him a knowing glance. “I know.”

“Everyone does, apparently.” She bites on her nails instinctively. 

“Have you guys talked about it...About ending it?” 

“No.” He gives her a disappointed glance. “It’s not as easy as you paint it. What if she actually does end it if I bring it up. What the hel--” 

“Then you’ll deal with it. But this indecisiveness isn’t doing you favors either. Talk to her. Be the adult, Lexa. God knows Clarke isn’t.” 

“I will.” 

“Good, are you guys going to be alright or should we cancel the trip?” There’s a tinge of humor in his voice and Lexa’s thankful for the change in topic. 

“No, you should go to your boring-ass Oregon.”

He looks at her as he once did in his room. Not judging but allowing her to open herself up when he knew she had more to say. She would save her words for Clarke. 

“Have a good one, Jake. You sure you don’t want me to drive you guys to the airport? How much did you drink?” 

“Too much, but I’m fine. I’m taking an uber to the airport. But I appreciate the offering. And you watching the house. And dealing with Clarke.” He turns away for a second as if debating his words. “Take care of yourself, Lexa. Be your own best friend.”

This feels like a goodbye but Lexa pushes the feeling away and nods. “I will, Dr. self-help guru.” 

She groggily walks to the bedroom that she and Clarke were to share. Clarke’s childhood bedroom. She gets to the door, lifts her fist to knock and drops it at the last moment. 

Clarke’s bedroom always gives her such melancholy. So many times she and Clarke messed around in this room. There’s just too many to count. It reminds her of better times, and she’d rather not. Not right now. But he kind of needs to make sure that Clarke’s in her pajamas. The right ones, not the ones that are too hot but Clarke never seems to get rid of because they make Clarke’s butt look cute. Those will make her stirr all night and make her crabby in the morning. 

When she props open the door, she finds Clarke trying to put on the pajama pants. She doesn’t even know how Clarke could mess it up this bad but she has to rush over to her side so that Clarke doesn’t end up tripping over herself and face planting the ground. 

“Hey”

“Yo.” Clarke tries to push away the only hand holding her up.

“You are going to fall Clarke. Let me help you.” She makes Clarke sit on the bed. No, she almost has to wrestle Clarke so that she can lay down on the bed and then plays tug of war with the pajama pants so that she can then take the pants away from Clarke. These were, unsurprisingly, the wrong ones. Getting Clarke to wear more comfortable ones was even more of a hassle. 

“You can’t wear the unicorn pajamas because they are too hot.”

“Well, then you need to learn to control yourself. This isn’t my fault.” Damn it. 

“Not what I meant.” She reaches for the pants and Clarke swats her hands away. “Clarke, it’s late. Just wear these pants instead.”

“No. And you can’t make me.” She did. But it wasn’t easy. Clarke could be an ass when she really set her mind to it. 

Her lack of patience is aware to her when her chest starts rising and rising. Trying to breathe as deep as she can until she can no longer inhale any longer. She exhales for 14 seconds. “Please?”

“Ok. Since you asked nicely. But, you have to kiss me first.” She bargains, dragging out the ‘s’ to annoy her, or seem cute. Whatever. Both were successful. 

She grabs Lexa’s face with both her hands and kisses her. What started as a sweet kiss progressed to displeasure. Clarke reeked of alcohol. 

“Let’s go to bed.” Lexa orders once Clarke’s dressed. Clarke was pliant at that because she thought it would proceed her way. Lexa just wanted to go to bed. She was tired of Clarke's up and downs. They didn’t cancel out at all. Just left her drained and disappointed. 

As soon as Lexa’s back hits the bed Clarke is all over her again. In a swift motion, all too familiar to Lexa. It’s almost as if no time had passed between the last time she was under Clarke and now. As if the fights had disappeared. The thought was scary to her. 

“Oh, ow!” She shied away from Clarke, holding her wounded arm away. “My arm.” 

Clarke giggles, clearly not out of her trance yet. She was drunk. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you too bad.” And then her lips were back on hers, slowly floating down her neck. Getting more enthusiastic as she neared her collar bone. 

“Please stop.” She’s not too upset when Clarke ignores her. It must be new for Clarke to be the one that’s turned away. “Get off me.” 

“Oh.” She brushes Clarke off her torso and turns to her side. Sleep came whenever the hell it felt like it. When she arose, she still felt like crap.

Except that Clarke looked rather apologetic hours later after her inebriation had worn out. When she woke up, she found Clarke’s arms wrapped around her. Keeping her warm even though she forgot to cover herself in sheets. Clarke must have woken long before her. 

“Morning, I made waffles” And by the smell of it, she’d eaten some too. She was starving, and they smelled delicious, even if just from Clarke’s breath. 

“Jesus, how long have I been sleeping?” 

“Well, I don’t know but it’s 11:08.” How did she even sleep for that long? Did she even sleep that long? She remembers being up at 4. So about 7 hours of sleep. Not too bad. “Does your arm feel any better today?” 

“My arm? Oh, don’t worry about it. I can barely--”

“Still, I should have stopped.” 

“You were drunk. Sorry, I don’t know if I apologized. But I'm sorry. For drinking so much, and not helping you with the dishes, and not being sober enough to notice that I was harming you. That was really selfish and unthoughtful and I am very sorry. I love you so much. Thanks, for helping me and spending time with my family on an obviously special day. ”

“Yeah, no problem.” She didn’t mean the words but she was really hungry and didn’t feel like talking at the time.

“You always say no problem as if it's not effort but I know you try really hard and I just wanted to say I really appreciate it. And it's just one of the many reasons I love you.” Lexa’s heart practically came out of her chest at this. This was it, the opening she needed to finally talk to Clarke about all she felt. 

“Thank you.” Lexa says to distract from the fact that her mind is racing and she doesn’t really know how to really lay it out the best way possible. She didn’t want to start a larger fight than necessary, because let’s face it, there was going to be some discomfort. But she didn’t want to to say things in a bad way. 

Clarke takes a moment to sit behind Lexa and lays her head on her shoulder. “Thank you? Not an ‘I love you too?’”

Lexa smiles and leans backwards. “You know I do. You don’t need me to tell you all the time. You know it.” 

“I know. I just love how raspy and deep your voice gets when you say it.” 

“I don’t sound raspy.” Lexa turns her face away from Clarke, knowing very well the girl has a grin on her face, and Clarke jumped on the opportunity to trail her lips on her neck. She sounded raspy. 

“You do.”

Indignant at the accusation, Lexa turns around and pins Clarke. “I love you.” And presses their lips together. 

Clarke essentially traps Lexa in place by wrapping her legs around her and traces her jawline. 

“I love you.” She says. And it might have been sweet had she not made her voice sound like that of a sick old lady. To make fun of Lexa’s raspy voice. The audacity.

Lexa outright cackles. Because she wasn’t expecting for this to be a funny moment. Because she was nervous. Because she didn’t want to do it. She didn’t want to break this moment and taint it. But it was eating away at her. 

She decided to push the thought again once more and enjoy the way Clarke’s lips felt against hers. The way Clarke tried to get her inside as quick as possible once Lexa sucked on her nipples. As if she could ever be resistant to that. Her tether on time is lost. Seconds have passed, or maybe it’s been hours but she lines herself up against Clarke and it’s like a jolt of energy creeps up her abdomen and quickly spreads all over them. There’s no need to tease Clarke, but there was also not enough willpower to do so. And, sooner rather than later, she had set a rhythim. One that she felt but couldn’t really control. Like the intermittent bump a train made on the rails, she felt them shaking when whole body. But someone else was the conductor. Clarke. 

Clarke and her nails digging into Lexa’s butt, the arch of her back, pulling her in for a kiss. Before she knew it the sound of skin increased in frequency and volume. 

But it was not enough to drown out the unmistakable sound of Clarke’s phone. Her eyes naturally tried to find it in the room but Clarke held her in place. “Just ignore it. Don’t stop.”

Ok. She would do that. She could drown out the stock ringtone. She could focus on the way Clarke felt around her. Hot and inescapable. As if she could spend the rest of her days this way. As the ring continued, she tried. She tried to drown it out. 

Tried to think of who it was on the phone. It could be anyone. The hospital, Clarke’s friends a telemarketer. Bellamy. She quickly climbed off clarke and rubbed at her face, anything to stop the thoughts from flooding in. Why was she thinking about him right now? “That fucking--” 

As soon as she started to talk, Clarke was on top of her. Open-mouthed kisses on her neck and hands on her, aligning her back inside. The phone stopped. But the thought of Bellamy had spread like wildfire. She tried to analyze Clarke as she rode her. Would she ride him the same way? She didn't want to entertain the thought but she also didn’t get it. If Clarke was willing to cheat why not just end it all together? 

Why lead her on and make her feel wanted if the truth was the opposite? She closed her eyes and clenched her jaw trying to focus on her pleasure. On the sounds that Clarke made. She was getting more and more vocal and Lexa turns her face away trying to push the thought of whether Clarke was faking it out of her mind. Would she fake it with Bellamy or was he a better lover?

Oh, no. She was starting to feel a familiar irritation around her eyes. She would not, she would not cry during sex

The first drop was threatening to fall when Clarke’s phone starts to ring again. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Lexa lifts Clarke off of her in seconds and practically growls. 

“Answer your fucking phone.”

She’s speechless and Lexa’s pissed. At the phone call, at her untamable insecurities and at her eyes beginning to tear up. Because she was supposed to be angry. Not crying like a pathetic piece of garbage. When had crying done anything for her?

“Answer it. Answer the fucking phone before I answer it for you.” She has to blink to be able to see through her tears but her shows no emotion,

“What did you say to me?” Clarke’s still pretty shocked. 

She now yells. “Answer your goddamn phone!” She’s wiping away a stray streak of tears but continues. “Or are you fucking--”

“Don’t you raise your voice--” 

“Or are you fucking scared” she repeats unphased. “of talking to him in front of me? Tell me? You think I’m a fcking idiot and I can’t get a damn clue.” 

“Talking to who exactly?” They are both yelling at this point. She’s sure the neighbors can hear. 

“Bellamy, Clarke. You know who the fuck I’m talking about. Bellamy. Bellamy who calls you at all hours in the night. That’s who. Why is he calling you? Is it his time already?” She on a rant now, not really caring what came out of her mouth. Just letting it out there . All of her thoughts. She’s unsure if she sees tears in Clarke’s eyes or if she’s imagining things as she’s trying to clothe herself and scream at the same time. “Oh, are you crying? Did I hurt your feelings? Or are you sad because you’d rather have him inside you right now? Or perhaps both, it that--” 

Clarke audibly gasps as if the air had been knocked out of her. The next instant happens faster than she can even process. All she feels is the sharp pain of Clarke’s hand striking against her face. And before she had time to react, she’s slapped again. 

“You--” The phone rings again but Lexa’s paralyzed cradling her face. Clarke answers it but at this point she didn’t care. She can barely make out Clarke’s harsh greeting but she she does hear the absolute horror in her voice. “What? When? Where are they? Is he okay? What do you mean you can’t give information over the phone?”

“What’s going on?” He question goes unanswered which doesn’t surprise her .

“ You can take your HIPAA and shove it up your fucking ass!” Clarke’s an absolute sobbing mess now, trying to fit two legs in one pant leg and putting her shirt backwards in a clear rush. 

“So you’re just going to leave now?” Lexa asks incredulous.

“My parents are at the hospital. They got hit by a fucking drunk driver. I just, I need to--” 

“I’ll drive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not condoning what Lexa did at all. It was wrong. Clarke and Lexa are not the best option for each other right now and I'm just trying to move the story forward so that I can move to the healing. I haven't had too much time to work on this but I am getting to a point in my life where i want to do better and I want to show that in my story. Things will get worse before they get better.


End file.
